Taking Love Away

I realized last night that I have internalized a particular behavior of my NM's. When she would be angry at me, when she would rage because I had done something wrong or bad, I would feel unloved and unloveable. She would take her love away from me at those times, her love was utterly conditional.

And now when I don't do as well as I think I should, or I make a mistake, I take my love away from myself. I stop loving myself in those moments. She taught me to hate myself. When I was a child I knew she was what made me hate myself, though I didn't have the words to really explain it. Some how along the way, I forgot this as I grew up and became an adult. Unknowingly I took ownership of her hatred for me at those times and made it my own.

I've mentioned this in comments before, but it's about time I posted it here. When I barely nine years old, I wrote this in my diary:

Dear Diary,
I'm going to kill myself cause of mom and dad! (I hate myself!)

That was it. I think my father simply got lumped in with my mom at that time because he was a parent, and I didn't realize back then that he had no idea just how awful it was for me. I actually have mostly good memories about my father. Anyway, I don't remember anything in particular that caused me to write that diary entry, all I know is it must have written it alone in my room, angry and/or crying, like I did all my diary entries. But it spells the truth so clearly.


When I read that page in my old diary now, I can see what it is really trying to say. "I hate myself because of my mom."

This song, "Sorry to Myself" by Alanis Morissette, is perhaps the story of myself, although the only person who has perhaps been crueler to me is my NM, but she's the one who taught me to abuse myself. I really have treated myself worse than I've treated anyone else though. I have more compassion for strangers than I do for myself usually. I need start being kinder to myself and loving myself no matter what. I really do owe myself the biggest apology.

For hearing all my doubts so selectively and
For continuing my numbing love endlessly.
For helping you, and myself not even considering
For beating myself up and over functioning.

To whom do I owe the biggest apology?
No one's been crueler than I've been to me.

For letting you decide if I indeed was desirable
For myself love being so embarrassingly conditional.
And for denying myself to somehow make us compatible
And for trying to fit a rectangle into a ball.
 
To whom do I owe the biggest apology?
No one's been crueler than I've been to me.

I'm sorry to myself.
My apologies begin here before everybody else.
I'm sorry to myself.
For treating me worse than I would anybody else.

For blaming myself for your unhappiness
For my impatience when I was perfect where I was.
Ignoring all the signs that I was not ready,
And expecting myself to be where you wanted me to be.

To whom do I owe the first apology?
No one's been crueler than I've been to me.

And I'm sorry to myself.
My apologies begin here before everybody else.
I'm sorry to myself.
For treating me worse than I would anybody else.

Well, I wonder which crime is the biggest?
Forgetting you or forgetting myself...
Had I heeded the wisdom of the latter,
I would've naturally loved the former.

For ignoring you: my highest voices.
For smiling when my strife was all too obvious.
For being so disassociated from my body,
And for not letting go when it would've been the kindest thing.

To whom do I owe the biggest apology?
No one's been crueler than I've been to me.

And
I'm sorry to myself.
My apologies begin here before everybody else
I'm sorry to myself.
For treating me worse than I would anybody else.
I'm sorry to myself.
My apologies begin here before everybody else
I'm sorry to myself.
For treating me worse than I would anybody else

Collecting Friends

I was reading Jonsi's blog where she examines a series of tweets posted by her NSIL, when this part caught my eye:

"This very empty and lonely creature was created by a NM who taught her that in order to be loved, you need to have an endless supply of people to use friends; and that no amount of friends is good enough. DH was this way not so long ago; where he collected friends like insects for a third grade science project and proudly displayed them for years as a way to prove to himself that he was special: "See all of these friends I've collected? They all want me. They all need me. They all love me." In reality, he didn't have one god damned good friend in the bunch."

I've made the same assessment of Samantha. I've outright said "She collects friends." Even when we were kids, she always seemed to have so many friends. She collects them, she needs the attention, love, and affection. Then when she has won a person over, she moves on to the next target because it is never enough. Once she had reached the goal, you are to expected be beholden to her even though she no longer has use for you. But she is oh-so-sorry she has so many people to see and just doesn't have time for you anymore. She's just so busy, but you understand, right? Unfortunately for her, her next targets is one of my "real friends" and she is on to her. My friend isn't interested in becoming closer with Samantha; she's already been down the road I'm on and we've had some very helpful conversations about "best friends" like Samantha.

The sad part is, Samantha had good friends, "real" friends". She had me and had at one point, the other friends I've been talking about her with. The kind of friends who would be there if something was wrong and you called them at three in the morning. Friends who take you out for a meal when you're having a hard and sit and talk with until the late hours of the morning to help you through. Friends you can literally talk to about anything, friends who can have a good time just by being together at the moment. Friends who are like (a healthy) family. Samantha had them, and she pushed them all away. It's her loss in the long run, not mine.

The emptiness inside these kinds of compensating narcissists can never be filled. No matter how many people they try to drag into their void, it is never enough to compensate for their insecurities, the deep and gnawing self loathing buried in their hearts. (For the record, this description has no bearing on other kinds of narcissists, like malignant narcissists.)

Anyway, it makes me think of Jar of Hearts, by Christina Perri, which I've been listening to a lot recently. It's more about a serial dater, but the point still stands.

I know I can't take one more step towards you
Cause all that's waiting is regret
And don't you know I'm not your ghost anymore
You lost the love I loved the most

I learned to live half alive
And now you want me one more time

And who do you think you are
Running 'round leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
And tearing love apart
You're gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul
So don't come back for me
Who do you think you are

I hear you're asking all around
If I am anywhere to be found
But I have grown too strong
To ever fall back in your arms

And I've learned to live half alive
And now you want me one more time

And who do you think you are
Running 'round leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
And tearing love apart
You're gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul
So don't come back for me
Who do you think you are

And it took so long just to feel alright
Remember how to put back the light in my eyes
I wish I had missed the first time that we kissed
Cause you broke all your promises
And now you're back
You don't get to get me back

And who do you think you are
Running 'round leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
And tearing love apart
You're gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul
So don't come back for me
Don't come back at all

And who do you think you are
Running 'round leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
And tearing love apart
You're gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul
Don't come back for me
Don't come back at all

Who do you think you are?
Who do you think you are?
Who do you think you are?

You Think You Know Someone...

Simple Plan's "Thank You" seems to be particularly appropriate at the moment. Every time I talk to my friends about dear Samantha, I learn something new.

Apparently, she has been known in the past to make adjustments when handling the calculations for splitting the check when we'd go out in big groups for dinner or such. And by adjustments, I mean getting the rest of us to cover her meal without our knowing. Except, whoops, some people noticed the anomalies and her not putting in any cash.

I only wish they'd told me sooner. This was years ago and I can only hope she's stopped. Her parents would be so ashamed and disappointed if they knew she'd be stealing. They were like my other family and I know she didn't learn this behavior from them.

But I can't say I'm surprised, sadly. I won't be letting her handle anything like that at a dinner ever again. Not that I'll be going out of my way to invite her to any.

I thought that I could always count on you,
I thought that nothing could become between us two.
We said as long as we would stick together,
We’d be alright,
We’d be ok.
But I was stupid
And you broke me down
I’ll never be the same again.

So thank you for showing me,
That best friends can not be trusted,
And thank you for lying to me,
Your friendship and good times we had you can have them back

Yeah!

I wonder why it always has to hurt,
For every lesson that you have to learn.
I won’t forget what you did to me,
How you showed me things,
I wish I’d never seen.
But I was stupid,
And you broke me down,
I’ll never be the same again.

So thank you for showing me,
That best friends can not be trusted,
And thank you for lying to me,
Your friendship the good times we had you can have them back

When the tables turn again,
You’ll remember me my friend,
You’ll be wishing I was there for you.
I’ll be the one you’ll miss the most,
But you’ll only find my ghost.
As time goes by,
You’ll wonder why,
You’re all alone.

So thank you for showing me,
That best friends can not be trusted,
And thank you for lying to me,
Your friendship and good times we had you can have them back.

So thank you, for lying to me,
So thank you, for all the times you let me down
So thank you, for lying to me,
So thank you, your friendship you can have it back

Hello, Anger

I have discovered anger toward my N-ish best friend.I suppose I need to come up with a nickname for her for blogging purposes, because she's probably going to be a common topic of discussion from now until who knows when. Hence forth, allow me to introduce you to "Samantha".

Samantha is the same age as me and we have known each other since we were small children. Even back then she was selfish and didn't like sharing her things while I was expected to share mine. And I did, because my NM taught me to share. She didn't teach me how to stand up for myself, although I did learn to start doing that. Anyway, she was practically my only friend, and since our parents became friends I saw her often and it's probably because of our parents that we stayed friends.

Samantha was never thin. She wasn't morbidly obese or anything, but she was never tiny like I was. She has struggled with her body image and weight for most of the time I've known her. When we were kids, she didn't like that I was so little and yet ate sweets whenever I wanted. She hoped I would get fat when I got older. That hasn't happened yet. Of course I've filled out in all the right places and I'm not a stick anymore, but I love my hour glass figure and so does DH. Sure, I have my insecurities, but over all I think I am a decently attractive human being.

So since I opened up to my friends and E-Sis about Samantha and her behavior as of late, I've learned some fascinating things. One friend (who I've talked with about NM before and has a mother way crazier than mine) has only been tolerating her for my sake, although Samantha doesn't know it. Samantha seriously damaged that relationship years ago by being a shitty friend when that friend's father was dying. Another views her as more of a friend of a friend. A newer, third friend has noticed Samantha trying to become closer with her and absolutely does not want to be closer to her; she has been down the road I'm walking with a best friend before. E-Sis, for all her faults, can be very protective of me and wanted to punch Samantha in the face the other week for making me cry.

But best of all is the things I have learned Samantha has said to other people! She has disparaged DH's degree behind my back for coming from a less prestigious university as hers. Never mind the person she told this too has a degree from the same university as DH and that's where almost everybody in my group of friends got their bachelors degrees from, including me. Never mind that her fiancee has a degree from there. Never mind that fact DH makes literally four times as much as she does and that her fancy degree has gotten her absolutely nothing. It's more worthless than a liberal arts degree, seriously. Samantha had to lie on her resume to get a fucking clerical job. But in a case of delicious irony, Samantha is going back to college to pursue a degree in the same field as DH, and even more ironic is that she may very well be going to that very same less prestigious university the rest of us went to.

I also learned the reason why my bachelorette party was so boring and lame. Apparently I "like it boring". I didn't know not wanting to get drunk off my ass and not wanting any male strippers left lame and boring as the only party option left. Yes, she told one of my other bridesmaid that it was okay, that I liked it boring. Apparently they offered to help but she claimed she knew what I wanted. Fascinating, since she never asked me anything beyond what I told her about not wanting strippers. Dinner was fine, but after that we all went back to her place and she had no food and there was nothing to do. She started having a political debate and raising her voice with another guest and had the nerve to get annoyed with me for being unhappy about it! Raised voices are a trigger for me, you see. That happens when you spend your formative years getting yelled at. But it isn't just my party, she didn't know what to do after dinner for her sister's party, either. It was a fluke somebody suggested something fun to do after dinner. Samantha can't plan things well, especially things that aren't for her. Although with what she's been saying about her wedding plans, I'm not sure she can plan things well that are for her either. Well, in all fairness the bridal showers and baby showers she's done have been very nice and gone very well. But those have an easy formula to follow.

I almost forget these gems: in her maid of honor speech, she'd had a bit much to drink, but she made a joke about having control over me and took credit for the fact DH and I started going out. The truth of the matter is I just asked her what she thought of him before I asked him out. I'd have probably done it regardless of her opinion and the reason DH and I even met was because our similar interests brought us to the same club. Also, when we were in our late teens and her boyfriend had dumped her and her "friends" ditched her, our mutual friends and I consoled her and hung out with her and cheered her up. Apparently at some point I don't recall, she said something about wanting to be with her "real friends". Guess we didn't count? No wonder my friends aren't friends with her anymore!

Samantha also whines when she doesn't like something or doesn't get her way. She almost caused the friend who was tolerating her for my sake to leave her own bachelorette party with her stupid whining about how the place we were at didn't have anything she could drink on her crazy new diet (which she would not stop talking about). Even though the place did, she just didn't believe the matron of honor until she looked it up herself on her phone.This was after yelling at the bride to be for telling her to calm down when she wasn't getting along with another guest (who admittedly wasn't that likable to begin with, but that's not the point).

Now Samantha has her own wedding to look forward to, and from the way she talks, money is what she's really looking forward to. She wants to register for her honeymoon and that's fine, but she keeps talking to me about getting money, money, money from guests. Estimating how much she might get based the value amount of the gifts her sister got, and so on. Frankly after hearing it, I'm not inclined to give her any money.

Oh, and she canceled on plans two more times since my last post. I wasn't surprised. But naturally when she needed me to go dress shopping with her, she didn't cancel.

Now you have met Samantha and seen some of her shining examples of bad behavior. It paints a very nasty image, I know. But what actually makes it harder for me is there have been times she has been a really great friend. When I had "The Confrontation" with my mother (I really need to write a summary of that up for you readers), she came and picked me up and took me out and talked me through the rough parts that followed. When she went abroad she wrote to me and sent gifts, including a very special gift from a place I desperately wanted to go one day. I've been able to talk with her about my problems with NM and E-Sis and know what I say won't get back to them. We had a lot of fun as kids, too.

I'm angry. I know I have been wronged and I'm not going to take it lying down anymore. I'm going to use that energy to change how I interact with and handle Samantha, and whatever happens from there, happens. I'm hoping for a gradual drifting apart because I'm not interested a dramatic mess, and I already agreed to be a bridesmaid before I had come to all these realizations. Whatever happens though, I've got my real friends backing me up.