I haven't been at it very long, and I'm definitely not very good, but I think I love aikido. I touched on the subject a little last time and I want to expand on some of those points and talk more about what it has been like for me so far. First though, I'll be assigning some aliases to the people I'll be talking about, and since I'm supposed to be using Japanese terms in class, I'm going to try and use them here so I drill them into my head.
My sensei or instructors are a husband and wife team who own the dojo. I'll be referring to the husband as R-sensei and the wife as S-sensei. So far most of my classes have been with R-sensei. The classes are in the evening usually and small, but there are two very helpful sempai or senior students DH and I usually practice with. I'll call one E-sempai. Even though he is very large E-sempai is a gentle giant and likes to joke around that the other student who I will call P-sempai, is always rough with him and that he is thankful we are there so he can practice with somebody else. P-sempai is an older woman, probably in her early 50s and both of them help walk me through the moves slowly when I'm overwhelmed or can't remember what I'm supposed to do. All of these people have been amazingly helpful, patient, and understanding! There are a few other sempai, but they aren't as good at helping/teaching me as E-sempai and P-sempai. But overall, it's so unlike just about every other physical learning experience I've ever had, and the small class size really allows for me to get the help I need and ask questions, unlike when I attempted a dance class years ago, which had many more students than this.
So some might be wondering why pick aikido out of all the physical activities I could have picked. Mostly, it's because of DH. He is the one who told me about it and why he thought it would be a good choice for me. It's also something I've never done before and is something I definitely can't become good at quickly, so I think it's a good way to tackle my need to be perfect and to improve my bodily intelligence. DH also picked out the dojo we go to awhile back in the hopes one day I would be willing to start. As last year was coming to a close I told him I would be ready to start this year. DH was right about it being a good choice for me. While I'm not sure if this is the general atmosphere of all aikido classes or just mine, but I think the lack of competitions and tournaments has a lot to do with helping create such a safe and comfortable learning environment. I am expected to make mistakes, I don't need to get it right the first time, I'm allowed to go at whatever pace I'm at as long as I show up and try, even if sometimes I'm only able to work on the first step of a move because I keep messing up. I also don't feel like I'm slowing down or seriously inconveniencing my anyone with my slow pace, which is a huge relief for a recovering people-pleaser like myself. Even E-sempai and P-sempai still get corrected on their form for beginning moves we're going over right now. They are helping us learn the beginning moves and by practicing them with us they are improving their form, so we are all benefiting from the process. I imagine this happens to our sensei when they go to seminars and practice with other instructors, too. However, I find it harder to work with the other sempai and feel myself getting anxious and teary more than I do with E-sempai and P-sempai. These other sempai haven't been around until this week, so I'm hoping as I practice with them more that it will get easier for us to work together. Everyone reassures me that when they started, they were fumbling along just like me and that in a year or two I'll be doing much better if I keep at it.
Sometimes I talk with R-sensei after class. I've told him some of my issues with perfectionism and getting frustrated with myself, that one reason I'm there is to try and work through those. He's been very understanding and told me the he thinks aikido brings up a lot of issues that you have to confront on your own since you can't take things out on an opponent. I think that's true and I'm glad, because confronting my issues is one of the reasons I'm there! As a bonus I'm learning about how to defend myself, too. All in all, even though this is a hard experience for me, I think it will help me become more confident in myself, as well as help me learn to treat myself more kindly. I'm still anxious, but I'm able to keep showing up at class instead of running away, so I already think I've made some progress and feel a little proud of myself for sticking to despite my insecurities.
If I ever have kids aikido is the extracurricular activity I'd want to involve them in!
Wednesday, March 6, 2013
Tuesday, February 26, 2013
Perfectionism and Physical Coordination
I wouldn't say my NM demanded perfection from me at all times, but rather that she had selected topics which she expected perfection to be achieved. These mostly revolved around a dishes (see The Dishwasher Was Infalliable, I Was Not) or cleaning in general. Never academics, though plenty of disappointment was expressed when I became poor student through junior high and high school. The blame for that however was often foisted on the school, teachers, and depression.
At any rate, starting in my late teenage years, through college and onward to today, perfectionism over took me. Mostly in my creative endeavors and school, and sometimes when I'm cleaning. If I got a 99 out of 100 points on a paper or exam, I would be focusing on the lost point instead of the fact I passed with flying colors. On nearly every paper I've turned in, every essay question on an exam, I always felt I hadn't worked hard enough. I was just bullshitting, the instructors were grading easy, my work wasn't the best it could be. Rationally I realize that it only felt like I wasn't working hard enough because I was actually good at what I was doing!
The things I am good at, I have been good at so long that I don't remember what it was like when it was hard. So when new things don't come easily to me I get frustrated, often to the point of tears. And often I quit. It's too frightening to be imperfect, to make mistakes, even though it's human and totally normal. This is especially true of anything that requires more bodily coordination that riding a bicycle.
My physical abilities, or bodily-kinesthetic intelligence, if you will, is pretty terrible. I have pretty good hand-eye coordination, but when it comes to my whole body it's as I said above; anything more complex than riding a bicycle is far outside my comfort zone. The only reason I can even ride a bicycle is because my father and the other kids in the neighborhood helped me. On the other hand, skating, rollerblading, ice skating, dancing, or gymnastics, were never pursued despite my very strong interest in some of them.
My NM would acknowledge my interests in and mention how somebody else's kid was doing them and that she would look in to it for me. However, she would also bring up everything discouraging she could, like if I wanted to learn to figure skate that I'd have to get up super early all the time to practice and stuff like that, as if I had said I wanted to go to the Olympics and win the gold, which of course wasn't what I wanted. Mostly I just wanted to be pretty and graceful at something. In the end, she would never follow through with getting more information, even though the topic would come up off and on. I think mostly she didn't want to have to hassle with taking me to any extracurricular activities, as money was never much of an issue for my family. Thus, I do think she deserves some blame for my relative physical ineptness. Such things are so much easier to start when you are child, and it wasn't as if I could pay for lessons and drive myself places back then.
This year, I have begun tackling perfectionism and improving my bodily intelligence. Last year I improved my health and strength by working out and as that year ended I felt more confident in my body, so I told DH that this year we would start taking aikido classes together. He thinks every woman should learn how to defend herself and it's something he's wanted to do together for awhile since he used to take aikido back in college. I also tried ice skating for the first time ever, and though I was miserable at first, I kept going once I got one of those skate mate trainer things to help keep me on my feet.
While it's obvious that working hard at a martial art should help improve my physical coordination, it's probably less clear what this has to do with perfectionism. But for me, I've picked something I am knowingly not good at, that I cannot do well on the first time, or even the second or third time. I will make mistakes and am expected to make mistakes. I am learning that mistakes are okay, and my sensei (teacher) is so helpful with this, never getting angry, or frustrated, or disappointed with me for making them. So I am going to keep doing this instead of running away, even when I'm frustrated to the point of tears, which has only happened a few times so far.
I think aikido is also the perfect environment for this experience. I'm not a particularly confrontational person, nor am I really competitive. Unlike many other martial arts, aikido has no competitions or tournaments, which I think probably dissuades really aggressive and competitive people from signing on; people who I would find intimidating and would probably scare me off. So unless you want to take an exam to reach a higher rank, you are only really competing with yourself and there is no comparisons against your peers. Also, although martial arts typically have ranks going all the way up to tenth dan, it is considered unattainable in aikido since that would imply one had learned and perfected everything, which is impossible because nobody is perfect. I like that philosophy, it is reassuring to know I am expected to not be perfect and that even the highest rank practitioners aren't considered such. Finally, the focus is never on injuring an attacker; the idea is to prevent yourself from being hurt without hurting the other person.
I'm going to write more on my experience of starting aikido next time!
At any rate, starting in my late teenage years, through college and onward to today, perfectionism over took me. Mostly in my creative endeavors and school, and sometimes when I'm cleaning. If I got a 99 out of 100 points on a paper or exam, I would be focusing on the lost point instead of the fact I passed with flying colors. On nearly every paper I've turned in, every essay question on an exam, I always felt I hadn't worked hard enough. I was just bullshitting, the instructors were grading easy, my work wasn't the best it could be. Rationally I realize that it only felt like I wasn't working hard enough because I was actually good at what I was doing!
The things I am good at, I have been good at so long that I don't remember what it was like when it was hard. So when new things don't come easily to me I get frustrated, often to the point of tears. And often I quit. It's too frightening to be imperfect, to make mistakes, even though it's human and totally normal. This is especially true of anything that requires more bodily coordination that riding a bicycle.
My physical abilities, or bodily-kinesthetic intelligence, if you will, is pretty terrible. I have pretty good hand-eye coordination, but when it comes to my whole body it's as I said above; anything more complex than riding a bicycle is far outside my comfort zone. The only reason I can even ride a bicycle is because my father and the other kids in the neighborhood helped me. On the other hand, skating, rollerblading, ice skating, dancing, or gymnastics, were never pursued despite my very strong interest in some of them.
My NM would acknowledge my interests in and mention how somebody else's kid was doing them and that she would look in to it for me. However, she would also bring up everything discouraging she could, like if I wanted to learn to figure skate that I'd have to get up super early all the time to practice and stuff like that, as if I had said I wanted to go to the Olympics and win the gold, which of course wasn't what I wanted. Mostly I just wanted to be pretty and graceful at something. In the end, she would never follow through with getting more information, even though the topic would come up off and on. I think mostly she didn't want to have to hassle with taking me to any extracurricular activities, as money was never much of an issue for my family. Thus, I do think she deserves some blame for my relative physical ineptness. Such things are so much easier to start when you are child, and it wasn't as if I could pay for lessons and drive myself places back then.
This year, I have begun tackling perfectionism and improving my bodily intelligence. Last year I improved my health and strength by working out and as that year ended I felt more confident in my body, so I told DH that this year we would start taking aikido classes together. He thinks every woman should learn how to defend herself and it's something he's wanted to do together for awhile since he used to take aikido back in college. I also tried ice skating for the first time ever, and though I was miserable at first, I kept going once I got one of those skate mate trainer things to help keep me on my feet.
While it's obvious that working hard at a martial art should help improve my physical coordination, it's probably less clear what this has to do with perfectionism. But for me, I've picked something I am knowingly not good at, that I cannot do well on the first time, or even the second or third time. I will make mistakes and am expected to make mistakes. I am learning that mistakes are okay, and my sensei (teacher) is so helpful with this, never getting angry, or frustrated, or disappointed with me for making them. So I am going to keep doing this instead of running away, even when I'm frustrated to the point of tears, which has only happened a few times so far.
I think aikido is also the perfect environment for this experience. I'm not a particularly confrontational person, nor am I really competitive. Unlike many other martial arts, aikido has no competitions or tournaments, which I think probably dissuades really aggressive and competitive people from signing on; people who I would find intimidating and would probably scare me off. So unless you want to take an exam to reach a higher rank, you are only really competing with yourself and there is no comparisons against your peers. Also, although martial arts typically have ranks going all the way up to tenth dan, it is considered unattainable in aikido since that would imply one had learned and perfected everything, which is impossible because nobody is perfect. I like that philosophy, it is reassuring to know I am expected to not be perfect and that even the highest rank practitioners aren't considered such. Finally, the focus is never on injuring an attacker; the idea is to prevent yourself from being hurt without hurting the other person.
I'm going to write more on my experience of starting aikido next time!
Tuesday, January 22, 2013
Didn't Take the Bait
So I mentioned in my previous post about spending about a week with my FOO for Christmas. All of us going to the vacation house for Christmas had been something my father brought up some time early last year. Since I don't come up to house on weekends as often as I did back when I was engulfed, I thought it might be a nice way to spend time together. I also felt like I was at a point where I could handle my NM and being around her for an extended period of time.
And you know what? I was right! Even when at one point I was discussing behavior modification ideas that could help my cousin with her kids, I didn't take the bait she threw out to get us started talking about my childhood and us. For the record my cousin lives far away but calls NM all the time to talk to and for help, because her own mother is way more disordered than mine. I'd say my cousin is the closest thing my mother has to a golden child, especially after she was no longer able to engulf me.
I was suggesting the use of token economies and some of the other principles of behavior modification I mentioned my post Punishment & Reinforcement. Despite how easy it would have been to start telling how she had done it all wrong when she started mentioning her attempts of using it with me, I didn't bring it up at all. Then she mentioned trying to use a token economy, with a chart on the fridge and everything, which I have no memory of happening. But considering this alleged attempt was supposedly when I was three years old at the time that's no surprise. The best part was NM telling me how one day I stormed over, tore the chart off, and three it to the floor while declaring "No more!"
This was clearly bait to turn the discussion into one I didn't want to have, even though I didn't quite realize it until I was in bed that night with my husband. I could have told her how she was probably doing it wrong- for example, a child has to be old enough to understand delayed gratification and that's not usually until at least five years of age (even then they aren't very good at it). I just shrugged while thinking that this wasn't something I was going to discuss, drank my tea, and let her tell me more about my cousin's kids. Despite NM's claims I think this would work with the right rewards for my cousin's children as they are over the age of five, but I didn't even bother arguing that point with her, either. If I really wanted to give my cousin my advice I'd call her, instead of musing over possible helpful ideas with NM anyway.
I feel pretty proud of myself that I was able to avoid taking her bait with so little conscious effort on my part. My DH on the other hand was watching a documentary at one point and got caught in a debate with my mother about something while I was showering. Of course, there's no changing that woman's mind and getting her to drop something while you still disagree with her is always a challenge. Even when you are more knowledgeable and are in fact correct. But he managed and other than that it was a surprisingly pleasant holiday.
And you know what? I was right! Even when at one point I was discussing behavior modification ideas that could help my cousin with her kids, I didn't take the bait she threw out to get us started talking about my childhood and us. For the record my cousin lives far away but calls NM all the time to talk to and for help, because her own mother is way more disordered than mine. I'd say my cousin is the closest thing my mother has to a golden child, especially after she was no longer able to engulf me.
I was suggesting the use of token economies and some of the other principles of behavior modification I mentioned my post Punishment & Reinforcement. Despite how easy it would have been to start telling how she had done it all wrong when she started mentioning her attempts of using it with me, I didn't bring it up at all. Then she mentioned trying to use a token economy, with a chart on the fridge and everything, which I have no memory of happening. But considering this alleged attempt was supposedly when I was three years old at the time that's no surprise. The best part was NM telling me how one day I stormed over, tore the chart off, and three it to the floor while declaring "No more!"
This was clearly bait to turn the discussion into one I didn't want to have, even though I didn't quite realize it until I was in bed that night with my husband. I could have told her how she was probably doing it wrong- for example, a child has to be old enough to understand delayed gratification and that's not usually until at least five years of age (even then they aren't very good at it). I just shrugged while thinking that this wasn't something I was going to discuss, drank my tea, and let her tell me more about my cousin's kids. Despite NM's claims I think this would work with the right rewards for my cousin's children as they are over the age of five, but I didn't even bother arguing that point with her, either. If I really wanted to give my cousin my advice I'd call her, instead of musing over possible helpful ideas with NM anyway.
I feel pretty proud of myself that I was able to avoid taking her bait with so little conscious effort on my part. My DH on the other hand was watching a documentary at one point and got caught in a debate with my mother about something while I was showering. Of course, there's no changing that woman's mind and getting her to drop something while you still disagree with her is always a challenge. Even when you are more knowledgeable and are in fact correct. But he managed and other than that it was a surprisingly pleasant holiday.
Thursday, January 17, 2013
Been Awhile, Still Alive
So I got kind of swamped with deadlines and the holidays and I have been neglecting my blogs and the blogs I've been reading. Nothing has changed between Samantha and I, in fact we haven't spoken or interacted at all since then. Never gave me an answer as to if I was in the wedding party still, which was unlikely anyway, but an answer would have been polite. I think it's safe to say I'm out, and wouldn't be a bridesmaid even if she begged. I was able to get all my things back from her though via her fiancee. Anyway, this post is going to be somewhat rambling, so I apologize in advance if it's hard to follow.
Our mothers did talk. However they have agreed we're adults and to stay out of it, although my NM says she did try to hint to Samantha's mother (who seems to have seen at least some of the e-mails) that this isn't just a problem between Samantha and I, but well, the entire group of friends and Samantha. Ah, if only my NM could learn to stay out of things that happen between E-Sis and me, not that they happen often. We've been doing pretty well and I'm censoring myself a little less because I've been discussing the book "Toxic Parents" by Susan Forward with a friend of ours whom I lent a copy to even when E-Sis is around. For the record, I think it is an excellent book for anyone who experienced any kind of abuse at the hands of one or more parent.
Anyway, the difference in my life without Samantha is negligible at best. It's amazing to look back on things between us without the haze of denial. Although I'm still working through some anger and grief. I suppose it might help if I removed her from my Facebook, but in a fit of petty revenge and possibly stubbornness I intend to keep her there until the bachelorette party do-over my friends and I are planning. I intend to remove her from my restricted list so she can see things I post again and then post a bunch of pictures of the wonderful time everyone is having without her and get a dig in about the crappy party she threw me and her telling people there I liked boring. It's a do-over for three of us, really. Samantha ruined mine and then nearly caused the bride to leave at one last year. A third friend also didn't get the kind of party she wanted from her (narcissistic borderline) "best friend" at the time, so we're planning a big girl's night in honor of the three of us. About the week before dear Samantha's wedding.
(Side note: the Restricted List feature on Facebook is very useful for those people you don't want to defriend and cause drama with, but don't want to let see anything. Only things you post publicly will be visible to a person on your Restricted List, which in my case is nothing!)
But I digress... her posts are kind of amusing because I can tell she's trying too hard to talk about her "awesome new friends", and seeing a preview of her engagement photos was a complete riot because they look so fake, right down to the bottle of wine. Did I mention everyone knows about her crazy diet and that wine is something she can't drink on said diet? Which makes those pictures particularly laughable. Sadly though as she's essentially starving herself, her face is beginning to look gaunt and I do feel bad because she's probably going to end up in the hospital.
I suppose all that doesn't make me a much better person than Samantha is, but I'm working through things and this is simply where I am right now. I'll move past it all eventually, I'm sure. It will probably be easier after her wedding. I'm waiting to see what happens with that because my DH and her fiancee are still friends, so I'm waiting to see if we are or aren't invited still to the wedding, or if she's tacky enough to invite only DH. I also haven't ruled out the possibility of being invited simply because we would be a viable source for money compared to many of her other friends. I have contingency plans prepared for if one or both of us are invited.
In other news I spent a week with FOO for a Christmas vacation and survived remarkably well! I'll write about that next time.
Our mothers did talk. However they have agreed we're adults and to stay out of it, although my NM says she did try to hint to Samantha's mother (who seems to have seen at least some of the e-mails) that this isn't just a problem between Samantha and I, but well, the entire group of friends and Samantha. Ah, if only my NM could learn to stay out of things that happen between E-Sis and me, not that they happen often. We've been doing pretty well and I'm censoring myself a little less because I've been discussing the book "Toxic Parents" by Susan Forward with a friend of ours whom I lent a copy to even when E-Sis is around. For the record, I think it is an excellent book for anyone who experienced any kind of abuse at the hands of one or more parent.
Anyway, the difference in my life without Samantha is negligible at best. It's amazing to look back on things between us without the haze of denial. Although I'm still working through some anger and grief. I suppose it might help if I removed her from my Facebook, but in a fit of petty revenge and possibly stubbornness I intend to keep her there until the bachelorette party do-over my friends and I are planning. I intend to remove her from my restricted list so she can see things I post again and then post a bunch of pictures of the wonderful time everyone is having without her and get a dig in about the crappy party she threw me and her telling people there I liked boring. It's a do-over for three of us, really. Samantha ruined mine and then nearly caused the bride to leave at one last year. A third friend also didn't get the kind of party she wanted from her (narcissistic borderline) "best friend" at the time, so we're planning a big girl's night in honor of the three of us. About the week before dear Samantha's wedding.
(Side note: the Restricted List feature on Facebook is very useful for those people you don't want to defriend and cause drama with, but don't want to let see anything. Only things you post publicly will be visible to a person on your Restricted List, which in my case is nothing!)
But I digress... her posts are kind of amusing because I can tell she's trying too hard to talk about her "awesome new friends", and seeing a preview of her engagement photos was a complete riot because they look so fake, right down to the bottle of wine. Did I mention everyone knows about her crazy diet and that wine is something she can't drink on said diet? Which makes those pictures particularly laughable. Sadly though as she's essentially starving herself, her face is beginning to look gaunt and I do feel bad because she's probably going to end up in the hospital.
I suppose all that doesn't make me a much better person than Samantha is, but I'm working through things and this is simply where I am right now. I'll move past it all eventually, I'm sure. It will probably be easier after her wedding. I'm waiting to see what happens with that because my DH and her fiancee are still friends, so I'm waiting to see if we are or aren't invited still to the wedding, or if she's tacky enough to invite only DH. I also haven't ruled out the possibility of being invited simply because we would be a viable source for money compared to many of her other friends. I have contingency plans prepared for if one or both of us are invited.
In other news I spent a week with FOO for a Christmas vacation and survived remarkably well! I'll write about that next time.
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