Collecting Friends

I was reading Jonsi's blog where she examines a series of tweets posted by her NSIL, when this part caught my eye:

"This very empty and lonely creature was created by a NM who taught her that in order to be loved, you need to have an endless supply of people to use friends; and that no amount of friends is good enough. DH was this way not so long ago; where he collected friends like insects for a third grade science project and proudly displayed them for years as a way to prove to himself that he was special: "See all of these friends I've collected? They all want me. They all need me. They all love me." In reality, he didn't have one god damned good friend in the bunch."

I've made the same assessment of Samantha. I've outright said "She collects friends." Even when we were kids, she always seemed to have so many friends. She collects them, she needs the attention, love, and affection. Then when she has won a person over, she moves on to the next target because it is never enough. Once she had reached the goal, you are to expected be beholden to her even though she no longer has use for you. But she is oh-so-sorry she has so many people to see and just doesn't have time for you anymore. She's just so busy, but you understand, right? Unfortunately for her, her next targets is one of my "real friends" and she is on to her. My friend isn't interested in becoming closer with Samantha; she's already been down the road I'm on and we've had some very helpful conversations about "best friends" like Samantha.

The sad part is, Samantha had good friends, "real" friends". She had me and had at one point, the other friends I've been talking about her with. The kind of friends who would be there if something was wrong and you called them at three in the morning. Friends who take you out for a meal when you're having a hard and sit and talk with until the late hours of the morning to help you through. Friends you can literally talk to about anything, friends who can have a good time just by being together at the moment. Friends who are like (a healthy) family. Samantha had them, and she pushed them all away. It's her loss in the long run, not mine.

The emptiness inside these kinds of compensating narcissists can never be filled. No matter how many people they try to drag into their void, it is never enough to compensate for their insecurities, the deep and gnawing self loathing buried in their hearts. (For the record, this description has no bearing on other kinds of narcissists, like malignant narcissists.)

Anyway, it makes me think of Jar of Hearts, by Christina Perri, which I've been listening to a lot recently. It's more about a serial dater, but the point still stands.

I know I can't take one more step towards you
Cause all that's waiting is regret
And don't you know I'm not your ghost anymore
You lost the love I loved the most

I learned to live half alive
And now you want me one more time

And who do you think you are
Running 'round leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
And tearing love apart
You're gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul
So don't come back for me
Who do you think you are

I hear you're asking all around
If I am anywhere to be found
But I have grown too strong
To ever fall back in your arms

And I've learned to live half alive
And now you want me one more time

And who do you think you are
Running 'round leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
And tearing love apart
You're gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul
So don't come back for me
Who do you think you are

And it took so long just to feel alright
Remember how to put back the light in my eyes
I wish I had missed the first time that we kissed
Cause you broke all your promises
And now you're back
You don't get to get me back

And who do you think you are
Running 'round leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
And tearing love apart
You're gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul
So don't come back for me
Don't come back at all

And who do you think you are
Running 'round leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
And tearing love apart
You're gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul
Don't come back for me
Don't come back at all

Who do you think you are?
Who do you think you are?
Who do you think you are?