The Letter I'm Not Sending. YET.

After an explosion on facebook when Samantha was finally called out for her BS by a person I will call Friend A for now, she immediately messaged me on facebook. I explained that I would not be taking sides. She didn't seem to like that and went on about how things aren't fair, blah blah blah. You can get the gist of what she said to me from the letter I just wrote. I'm not sending yet, but if she pushes me about this situation I will be giving her a copy for sure.

Dear Samantha,

I’ve taken a lot of time and put a lot of thought into how I would like to respond. I never said I was offended, and as far as I am aware, no one else has ever said they were offended by you following a diet. You seem to assume [FRIEND A] speaks for the whole group, and that is a faulty assumption. I don’t believe anyone is offended, only that they don’t need/want to hear about it every time we make dinner plans. We all know about what you can and can’t eat. I’m sure we all assume if we aren’t making something you can eat, or if a place we are going doesn’t have something you can eat, that you can and will do your own thing or find something else on the menu that you can have. Just like my sister doesn’t say “I hate [food]” every time we make [food]. She just asks if we need her to bring anything and brings her own food with her. We all know she doesn’t like [food] and we all know she will take care of herself. There is no need to bring it up again and again.

Life is unfortunately not fair. The things everyone else “incessantly” talks about are things they have in common with each other. However, just because you don’t share that interest doesn’t make it unfair that others talk about it. These things are also constantly evolving. Your diet is not; the rules of your diet do not change, the only noteworthy development is probably changes in your weight, which you are free to mention and will likely be congratulated on, even if most of us feel your diet is an unhealthy means to obtain it. [Series of topics my friends and I regularly discuss] and so on, are always developing and evolving and at least one person in those conversations shares interest in the topic. [FRIEND B] and I were interested the other [weekday] in hearing about your wedding plans and we listened to you speak of them at length. Including when you so rudely demanded [FRIEND B] not go to [vacation] when you didn’t even have your wedding date confirmed with the venue. Not to mention your tactless talk of money in front of would be wedding guests. It’s one thing to talk about it in front me, a member of your bridal party that way, but it is uncouth to be demanding money in front of the people you intend to invite. Maybe you have forgotten to the story of [FRIEND B]’s cousin’s bridal shower, who specified in the invite “In lieu of gifts and money tree will be provided” and how [FRIEND B] sent them a gift with a tag that read, “In lieu of a money tree, a gift has been provided.”

What it boils down to is no one besides [her fiancee] seems to share interest in your extreme diet anymore; you have told most of us all we need to or care to know. You are free to like it all you want, but no one is obligated to want to listen. There are, I think, no interested listeners left in “this group.” I also don’t believe you’ve been asked about it as much as you seem to think you have been. For example, nobody asked you about your diet when [insert example of her bringing it up without being asked]. Yet you felt the need to tell [person] about your fasting and to tell [person] how if you can do it, [person] can. I found that quite condescending, by the way.

[FRIEND A] certainly could have handled it better, but what’s done is done. I do not condone her actions but I understand where she is coming from. She has apologized to [DH] and me for bringing this all out on his [facebook event page] and she understands that I will not be taking sides in this. That’s all I really need from her regarding the situation at this time.

I don’t personally see a pattern of “this group” exploding at you, nor do I care to pick apart it’s [many, many years] of history to try and establish such a pattern. However, if that is how you perceive “this group,” then perhaps you do not belong in it. You said yourself you have “too many friends.” It is okay to grow apart.

I’m sorry I cannot take your side, but my perception of the situation is not the same as yours, nor is it by job to fix things for you, which I can’t help but feel you are indirectly asking me to do with your previous messages. It is not my job to fix things for anyone else either; despite the previous requests of some for me to step in and speak to you about your increasingly irritating behavior, well before this outburst from [FRIEND A]. If you or they wish address this and your relationships, it must be done without me as a mediator or intermediary. The only advice I have is that you take a long hard look in the mirror and reflect on your own actions as of late before you go pointing your finger at all my other friends again.

 

If you would simply like to talk about how you feel or would like my perspective, I am ready and willing. However, I have firm boundaries. I will not sit and argue details about who is right or wrong, I will not take sides, I will not tolerate nitpicking over examples I give, I will not allow you to dismiss the experiences of myself or others just because you do not agree with them, and I will not stand for you to disparage “this group” in front of me.

If, after reading all this, you no longer wish to involve me in your wedding, I will respect your decision and will not be offended. On such a special day, you want your closest friends with you, and if you no longer feel I met that criteria I understand.

Sincerely,
Adela