I mentioned in Narcissists Are Like Cockroaches that I happen to have a narcissistic neighbor. Between dealing with her, my mother, and Samantha, and reading the blogs in our community here I have come to believe there is one thing narcissists can't stand above all else.
It's not being called out for their behavior, it's not being proven wrong. What they seem to hate the most, what eats them up from the inside, I think, is being silenced. This is why No Contact drives them to extremes and they constantly try to find ways around it. They feel that people have to listen to them, that they are entitled above all else to have their say. Everyone is apparently entitled to the narcissist's opinion whether they want it or not. It's why my NM has gotten so pissed on the few occasions I hung up on her or that time I didn't answer and she called my DH. It's why Samantha refused to answer if I was still in the wedding party or not; she desperately needed something to use to keep the communications opened. Of course, that didn't work. I just assumed I was out and didn't keep asking her to verify.
Which brings me to my neighbor. After DH and I have finally gotten management to resolve an ongoing issue she was causing, my neighbor has taken to being hostile toward us on the rare occasions our paths cross. Before that she had always been polite, although annoying. But last night she arrived at our door swearing and complaining we make noise every night. This is of course absurd, especially given we spent most of last week at the hospital caring for DH's mother after a routine surgery. I would stay there from morning to evening, and then DH would take over until around 10 PM. He'd come home and we'd go straight to bed, exhausted.
Anyway, just before 11 PM last night she came knocking on our door and DH answered and I was nearby. The hostile way she was acting and talking to him caused him shut down, as it reminded him of his mother and his childhood. His mother wasn't a narcissist, but was abusive when he was growing up. But I digress.
I've put up with a lot of crap in my life and I can still tolerate a lot of shit. But I have my limits and I have things that set me off. One of those is when you target my loved ones. Do it to me? Sure, fine, whatever, I can take it. But when you go after somebody I love, well, that's a different story. Coming to my door and swearing at us while making exaggerated accusations is something I won't stand for these days. In the past I would have stood there waiting for her to finish and go away, then been angry afterward. Today though I am much better and enforcing my boundaries. I feel pretty proud of how I handled things. Often a ruminate over these things and think of what I could have done differently, or done better. Not this time!
What happened is a deathly calm came over me. There was anger, ridiculously calm. I slipped in from the side, placing an arm on the open door between her and DH and started closing it slowly and quietly as she went on and I told her politely to call management, nodding as she was making threats to do so. She really should have done that in the first place if she had a problem instead of trying to bully and pretend like sparing us from management was some kind of magnanimous favor she was giving us in spite of our horrible transgressions against her. Anyway, I was calm, cool, collected. It was smooth, I was smooth. I heard her storm away down the hall and I knew she was pissed. How dare I, at least two or three decades younger than her no less, deprive her of her divine right to tell everyone what for! To be silenced is a fate worse than death to the narcissist. As they have no true sense of self, when you take away their access to you as their mirror it's like you have literally destroyed a part of them.
Of course then my blood pressure spiked afterwards as it really sank in what an audacious boundary violation the whole thing was and just how distressed she had made my DH. That's the anger I'm more familiar with. The deathly calm, extremely productive anger isn't yet something I can call upon at will. Still, anger is a warning something isn't right and also energy to act on or change the wrong if you can just tap into it the right way. And that's exactly what I did. I protected my loved one without becoming aggressive- I was able to be assertive and enforce my boundaries in the face of a narcissistic rage.
I have already spoken to management this morning and in my
book this issue is resolved. However, in the event my neighbor refuses to cease coming to our door and/or being vulgar to us as per management's instruction, I've already looked up the paperwork I need to file for a restraining order. My bite is way worse than my bark.
Wednesday, March 27, 2013
Saturday, March 16, 2013
Two Years Ago - The Second Incident
Two years ago I was really learning about narcissistic mothers. I had finished reading Alice Miller's "Drama of the Gifted Child" and Susan Forward's "Toxic Parents" (which I highly recommend). And two years ago this week I had what I call "The Confrontation" with my mother.
I think it had been about six months since "The Incident", which I discussed in my post titled "The First Ephiphany". What I left out of the summary of "The Incident" was it was really conflict between my E-Sis; there was something very distressing to me that I did not want talked about in front of me and I asked it not be brought up in my presence. This still seems to me have been a very reasonable request and one that could easily be carried out. However she continued to bring it up in front of me. This upset me and perhaps for the first time ever I reacted much more like a normal person reacts to boundary violations; with anger toward the violator. My NM jumped in to middle of the situation and naturally that only escalated the situation. Over a period of about a week I hung up on someone, specifically my NM, for the first time ever, which became multiple hang ups, and sent a lengthy e-mail to NM and E-sis trying to explain how they had trivialized my emotions my entire life and apologizing to my sister for the one thing I had done that I felt merited an apology. It was a pretty scathing e-mail, but anyone with an ounce of empathy would have understood it was coming from a deep emotional wound.
For the record, I never received any serious apologize from E-sis for the things she said/did that hurt the most. Inf act instead of leaving me alone like I asked she kept picking at it making it worse. The whole blow up would have been much less severe if she'd just left me alone like I had asked at one point. We'd have had some space, thought about, and likely apologized to each other, I think. But obviously that wasn't what happened. Oh no, NM have to jump in. At any rate, NM and I saw each other at an outside event and tired of fighting I (foolishly) apologized. What did she say? She said she was sorry, "but if she had to make me angry at [her] so I'd forgive [my] sister..." Yeah, great apology there, NM.
Cue "The Second Incident" and about a month later "The Confrontation". After a frustrating "miscommunication" triangulated through E-Sis about if DH and I were coming up to do a favor for NM and then attempts to tell me (not ask) when we could come do this favor instead, I signed out of the online chat I was speaking to my E-sis through. When I am annoyed or frustrated I like to be left alone to cool off and get over it. For some reason everyone besides E-sis and NM seem to understand that. Apparently NM felt like she had to protect E-sis from me or something, and decided she would "nip" whatever the hell she thought was happening "in the bud". At the time I was just frustrated, annoyed, and wanted to be left alone; then she called my cellphone. That's when I became angry.
Kudos to me though, I chose to maintain the boundary of being left alone for awhile and didn't answer. I knew speaking to her at that time would be a bad idea, and I knew I was entitled to not speak to her if I did not feel like doing so. Did she perhaps leave a message like any other reasonable person would do when the person they are calling doesn't answer? Or decide to call back another time? No, of course not. Narcissists are not reasonable people, after all.
She called my husband's cellphone (who foolishly answered), and demanded he put me on the phone. That is when I became furious! Mind you that's not how she remembers it happening, she claims she only asked him to have me call when I was ready. However, "That's probably not a good idea right now" is not how one responds to a have-her-call-me request. That's how somebody responds to a demand, and demanding is exactly how DH described her opening line. Then he couldn't get her off the damn phone. Oh, she didn't want to drag him into the middle, but oh it was just a miscommunication, and the best part of all is what she thought I was being over-sensitive about in the first place.
NM thought I was mad because they had ordered pizza (which E-sis started regaling me with how bad the pizza was and that I wasn't missing anything when I expressed annoyance) and if we came up we'd have to take care of ourselves for dinner because they didn't order enough because she didn't know we were coming (because she asked E-sis instead of say, asking us directly if we were coming up). That's right, she thought I, her college educated, married, adult daughter was upset over not getting pizza. Newsflash, I was mad that nobody bothered to check with us if we were coming up, that they then tried to tell us when we could up like we didn't have schedules and lives of our own to deal with, acting so put upon because NM doesn't want company (when we were doing them a favor) that unless she wanted to wait weeks, it had to be done that evening, and that they treated our time like it had no value whatsoever when we were doing NM a favor! DH normally charges people by the hour for what we were coming up to do for NM.
If I wanted a fucking pizza that badly, I'd have ordered myself one, bitch! I'm an adult; credit card, car, and all. I have a phone and a computer, I could have order it that way and had it delivered if I wanted it that badly. In fact I have my pick of some of the best pizza in the city where I live. The hardest part would be picking out which amazing pizza I wanted. Hell, my husband makes pizza from scratch. I am clearly not lacking in pizza and can obtain it through a variety of channels. The pizza was never the real issue here, but it sure says a lot about how my NM sees me.
After about thirty minutes I was ready to rip the phone out of DH's hand and making "get off the phone" motions to him. I was enraged at that point and I knew DH wasn't happy because his tone had changed to the same one he uses when he's talking to his mother. She kept talking to him about how it was a miscommunication. Gee, how did that happen? Let me think... E-sis asked the night before if we were coming to do that thing for NM and I said there was something we had to do, but maybe in the evening. NM asks E-sis if we are coming (instead of asking us), and E-sis says we aren't! Hm, who is at fault here? Yes, I could have called earlier and said "hey, we're coming up", but that street goes both ways and NM could have called me about it instead of asking a third party. She kept repeating herself about miscommunications, the stupid pizza, and not wanting to put him in the middle even though that was exactly what she was trying to do.
The finishing touch at the end was the text message she sent DH the next day about how she just needed to communicate how she felt and that she didn't want to put him the middle. It is not appropriate for her to try and use my husband to try and meet that need. It is in fact the exact opposite of keeping DH out of the middle, not that he would ever be "in the middle" anyway because he is 100% supportive of me in all this.
I'll try to write about "The Confrontation" at some point, but it can best be summed up with NM's opening and closing actions. She said no matter what I had to say she would always love me.
Then she literally walked out while I was still talking.
I think it had been about six months since "The Incident", which I discussed in my post titled "The First Ephiphany". What I left out of the summary of "The Incident" was it was really conflict between my E-Sis; there was something very distressing to me that I did not want talked about in front of me and I asked it not be brought up in my presence. This still seems to me have been a very reasonable request and one that could easily be carried out. However she continued to bring it up in front of me. This upset me and perhaps for the first time ever I reacted much more like a normal person reacts to boundary violations; with anger toward the violator. My NM jumped in to middle of the situation and naturally that only escalated the situation. Over a period of about a week I hung up on someone, specifically my NM, for the first time ever, which became multiple hang ups, and sent a lengthy e-mail to NM and E-sis trying to explain how they had trivialized my emotions my entire life and apologizing to my sister for the one thing I had done that I felt merited an apology. It was a pretty scathing e-mail, but anyone with an ounce of empathy would have understood it was coming from a deep emotional wound.
For the record, I never received any serious apologize from E-sis for the things she said/did that hurt the most. Inf act instead of leaving me alone like I asked she kept picking at it making it worse. The whole blow up would have been much less severe if she'd just left me alone like I had asked at one point. We'd have had some space, thought about, and likely apologized to each other, I think. But obviously that wasn't what happened. Oh no, NM have to jump in. At any rate, NM and I saw each other at an outside event and tired of fighting I (foolishly) apologized. What did she say? She said she was sorry, "but if she had to make me angry at [her] so I'd forgive [my] sister..." Yeah, great apology there, NM.
Cue "The Second Incident" and about a month later "The Confrontation". After a frustrating "miscommunication" triangulated through E-Sis about if DH and I were coming up to do a favor for NM and then attempts to tell me (not ask) when we could come do this favor instead, I signed out of the online chat I was speaking to my E-sis through. When I am annoyed or frustrated I like to be left alone to cool off and get over it. For some reason everyone besides E-sis and NM seem to understand that. Apparently NM felt like she had to protect E-sis from me or something, and decided she would "nip" whatever the hell she thought was happening "in the bud". At the time I was just frustrated, annoyed, and wanted to be left alone; then she called my cellphone. That's when I became angry.
Kudos to me though, I chose to maintain the boundary of being left alone for awhile and didn't answer. I knew speaking to her at that time would be a bad idea, and I knew I was entitled to not speak to her if I did not feel like doing so. Did she perhaps leave a message like any other reasonable person would do when the person they are calling doesn't answer? Or decide to call back another time? No, of course not. Narcissists are not reasonable people, after all.
She called my husband's cellphone (who foolishly answered), and demanded he put me on the phone. That is when I became furious! Mind you that's not how she remembers it happening, she claims she only asked him to have me call when I was ready. However, "That's probably not a good idea right now" is not how one responds to a have-her-call-me request. That's how somebody responds to a demand, and demanding is exactly how DH described her opening line. Then he couldn't get her off the damn phone. Oh, she didn't want to drag him into the middle, but oh it was just a miscommunication, and the best part of all is what she thought I was being over-sensitive about in the first place.
NM thought I was mad because they had ordered pizza (which E-sis started regaling me with how bad the pizza was and that I wasn't missing anything when I expressed annoyance) and if we came up we'd have to take care of ourselves for dinner because they didn't order enough because she didn't know we were coming (because she asked E-sis instead of say, asking us directly if we were coming up). That's right, she thought I, her college educated, married, adult daughter was upset over not getting pizza. Newsflash, I was mad that nobody bothered to check with us if we were coming up, that they then tried to tell us when we could up like we didn't have schedules and lives of our own to deal with, acting so put upon because NM doesn't want company (when we were doing them a favor) that unless she wanted to wait weeks, it had to be done that evening, and that they treated our time like it had no value whatsoever when we were doing NM a favor! DH normally charges people by the hour for what we were coming up to do for NM.
If I wanted a fucking pizza that badly, I'd have ordered myself one, bitch! I'm an adult; credit card, car, and all. I have a phone and a computer, I could have order it that way and had it delivered if I wanted it that badly. In fact I have my pick of some of the best pizza in the city where I live. The hardest part would be picking out which amazing pizza I wanted. Hell, my husband makes pizza from scratch. I am clearly not lacking in pizza and can obtain it through a variety of channels. The pizza was never the real issue here, but it sure says a lot about how my NM sees me.
After about thirty minutes I was ready to rip the phone out of DH's hand and making "get off the phone" motions to him. I was enraged at that point and I knew DH wasn't happy because his tone had changed to the same one he uses when he's talking to his mother. She kept talking to him about how it was a miscommunication. Gee, how did that happen? Let me think... E-sis asked the night before if we were coming to do that thing for NM and I said there was something we had to do, but maybe in the evening. NM asks E-sis if we are coming (instead of asking us), and E-sis says we aren't! Hm, who is at fault here? Yes, I could have called earlier and said "hey, we're coming up", but that street goes both ways and NM could have called me about it instead of asking a third party. She kept repeating herself about miscommunications, the stupid pizza, and not wanting to put him in the middle even though that was exactly what she was trying to do.
The finishing touch at the end was the text message she sent DH the next day about how she just needed to communicate how she felt and that she didn't want to put him the middle. It is not appropriate for her to try and use my husband to try and meet that need. It is in fact the exact opposite of keeping DH out of the middle, not that he would ever be "in the middle" anyway because he is 100% supportive of me in all this.
I'll try to write about "The Confrontation" at some point, but it can best be summed up with NM's opening and closing actions. She said no matter what I had to say she would always love me.
Then she literally walked out while I was still talking.
Wednesday, March 13, 2013
Continuing Aikido
I had a really hard time in class last time. We started practicing with staffs and I really wasn't prepared for it. I have a hard enough time knowing where one arm is in relation to the other without trying to figure out where a long stick is in relation to my body, too. So I had my first and likely not last break down in class where I started crying and chose to sit out.
Part of the reason is I didn't have as much mental endurance available because I hadn't gotten enough sleep and my shoulder was bothering me, I think. Then I was getting too warm because of the sun coming in the window on me, which always makes me uncomfortable/nauseated. Once the tears start I can't stop them, I can't see clearly, and I can't focus my mind. I tend to shut down. R-sensei offered to let me practice on just the first step by myself and work with me, but by that point I just couldn't keep going. Hell, I'm getting teary just typing about it and it's been a few days since it happened. I guess it was kind of like an anxiety attack with more self loathing, but not exactly. It's difficult to describe, but I imagine a lot of us have been there.
I sat down off to the side in a corner where I leave my stuff and thankfully I always keep tissues in my purse. Truth be told, it was a miracle I didn't go running out of the room and hide in the bathroom, so that's something, I suppose. S-sensei came over to me and asked offered to talk with or work with me, and I told her it was very hard for me to talk about. She nodded and let me be. Just trying to talk about things when this happens makes me cry more even if I want to talk about it, which in turn makes it even harder to talk about. I get in this negative feedback loop of feeling awful and breaking out of it is difficult. Just thinking about trying to explain things kept making me cry and every time I thought I had gotten a grip tears would start falling again. S-sensei came back again to check on me and let me know where she'd be if I wanted to talk, and eventually I was able to get up and walk to the restroom to change out of my gi.
Eventually I recovered enough to start talking without crying. I talked with R-sensei a bit but mostly I talked with S-sensei after class. They were wonderfully friendly and supportive. I told her how I'm very hard on myself and how one of the reasons I'm there is to try and work on that, and that I'm used to corrections being criticism/disapproval and that while rationally I know that isn't what's happening here it's difficult for me emotionally at times. I also told her about my very poor bodily coordination and spatial awareness, along with how when I get into that kind of state I tend to shut down. Basically, I summarized the issues I've mentioned here on my blog more so than I have to previously when I've mentioned them to my sensei. We talked about the class before last too, which I had felt very good after because I was starting to fall properly and was even able to start self correcting on some movements.
One of my sempai who attends classes on days I usually don't told me a few days earlier she'd started crying, too. It was kind of comforting to know people who have been doing this longer than me still have bad days like mine. Everybody was kind and no one got displeased with me for crying, unlike my NM and some teachers from elementary school. At any rate, I'm going to keep coming to class and keep working through all this baggage one step at a time.
Part of the reason is I didn't have as much mental endurance available because I hadn't gotten enough sleep and my shoulder was bothering me, I think. Then I was getting too warm because of the sun coming in the window on me, which always makes me uncomfortable/nauseated. Once the tears start I can't stop them, I can't see clearly, and I can't focus my mind. I tend to shut down. R-sensei offered to let me practice on just the first step by myself and work with me, but by that point I just couldn't keep going. Hell, I'm getting teary just typing about it and it's been a few days since it happened. I guess it was kind of like an anxiety attack with more self loathing, but not exactly. It's difficult to describe, but I imagine a lot of us have been there.
I sat down off to the side in a corner where I leave my stuff and thankfully I always keep tissues in my purse. Truth be told, it was a miracle I didn't go running out of the room and hide in the bathroom, so that's something, I suppose. S-sensei came over to me and asked offered to talk with or work with me, and I told her it was very hard for me to talk about. She nodded and let me be. Just trying to talk about things when this happens makes me cry more even if I want to talk about it, which in turn makes it even harder to talk about. I get in this negative feedback loop of feeling awful and breaking out of it is difficult. Just thinking about trying to explain things kept making me cry and every time I thought I had gotten a grip tears would start falling again. S-sensei came back again to check on me and let me know where she'd be if I wanted to talk, and eventually I was able to get up and walk to the restroom to change out of my gi.
Eventually I recovered enough to start talking without crying. I talked with R-sensei a bit but mostly I talked with S-sensei after class. They were wonderfully friendly and supportive. I told her how I'm very hard on myself and how one of the reasons I'm there is to try and work on that, and that I'm used to corrections being criticism/disapproval and that while rationally I know that isn't what's happening here it's difficult for me emotionally at times. I also told her about my very poor bodily coordination and spatial awareness, along with how when I get into that kind of state I tend to shut down. Basically, I summarized the issues I've mentioned here on my blog more so than I have to previously when I've mentioned them to my sensei. We talked about the class before last too, which I had felt very good after because I was starting to fall properly and was even able to start self correcting on some movements.
One of my sempai who attends classes on days I usually don't told me a few days earlier she'd started crying, too. It was kind of comforting to know people who have been doing this longer than me still have bad days like mine. Everybody was kind and no one got displeased with me for crying, unlike my NM and some teachers from elementary school. At any rate, I'm going to keep coming to class and keep working through all this baggage one step at a time.
Wednesday, March 6, 2013
My Aikido Experience So Far
I haven't been at it very long, and I'm definitely not very good, but I think I love aikido. I touched on the subject a little last time and I want to expand on some of those points and talk more about what it has been like for me so far. First though, I'll be assigning some aliases to the people I'll be talking about, and since I'm supposed to be using Japanese terms in class, I'm going to try and use them here so I drill them into my head.
My sensei or instructors are a husband and wife team who own the dojo. I'll be referring to the husband as R-sensei and the wife as S-sensei. So far most of my classes have been with R-sensei. The classes are in the evening usually and small, but there are two very helpful sempai or senior students DH and I usually practice with. I'll call one E-sempai. Even though he is very large E-sempai is a gentle giant and likes to joke around that the other student who I will call P-sempai, is always rough with him and that he is thankful we are there so he can practice with somebody else. P-sempai is an older woman, probably in her early 50s and both of them help walk me through the moves slowly when I'm overwhelmed or can't remember what I'm supposed to do. All of these people have been amazingly helpful, patient, and understanding! There are a few other sempai, but they aren't as good at helping/teaching me as E-sempai and P-sempai. But overall, it's so unlike just about every other physical learning experience I've ever had, and the small class size really allows for me to get the help I need and ask questions, unlike when I attempted a dance class years ago, which had many more students than this.
So some might be wondering why pick aikido out of all the physical activities I could have picked. Mostly, it's because of DH. He is the one who told me about it and why he thought it would be a good choice for me. It's also something I've never done before and is something I definitely can't become good at quickly, so I think it's a good way to tackle my need to be perfect and to improve my bodily intelligence. DH also picked out the dojo we go to awhile back in the hopes one day I would be willing to start. As last year was coming to a close I told him I would be ready to start this year. DH was right about it being a good choice for me. While I'm not sure if this is the general atmosphere of all aikido classes or just mine, but I think the lack of competitions and tournaments has a lot to do with helping create such a safe and comfortable learning environment. I am expected to make mistakes, I don't need to get it right the first time, I'm allowed to go at whatever pace I'm at as long as I show up and try, even if sometimes I'm only able to work on the first step of a move because I keep messing up. I also don't feel like I'm slowing down or seriously inconveniencing my anyone with my slow pace, which is a huge relief for a recovering people-pleaser like myself. Even E-sempai and P-sempai still get corrected on their form for beginning moves we're going over right now. They are helping us learn the beginning moves and by practicing them with us they are improving their form, so we are all benefiting from the process. I imagine this happens to our sensei when they go to seminars and practice with other instructors, too. However, I find it harder to work with the other sempai and feel myself getting anxious and teary more than I do with E-sempai and P-sempai. These other sempai haven't been around until this week, so I'm hoping as I practice with them more that it will get easier for us to work together. Everyone reassures me that when they started, they were fumbling along just like me and that in a year or two I'll be doing much better if I keep at it.
Sometimes I talk with R-sensei after class. I've told him some of my issues with perfectionism and getting frustrated with myself, that one reason I'm there is to try and work through those. He's been very understanding and told me the he thinks aikido brings up a lot of issues that you have to confront on your own since you can't take things out on an opponent. I think that's true and I'm glad, because confronting my issues is one of the reasons I'm there! As a bonus I'm learning about how to defend myself, too. All in all, even though this is a hard experience for me, I think it will help me become more confident in myself, as well as help me learn to treat myself more kindly. I'm still anxious, but I'm able to keep showing up at class instead of running away, so I already think I've made some progress and feel a little proud of myself for sticking to despite my insecurities.
If I ever have kids aikido is the extracurricular activity I'd want to involve them in!
My sensei or instructors are a husband and wife team who own the dojo. I'll be referring to the husband as R-sensei and the wife as S-sensei. So far most of my classes have been with R-sensei. The classes are in the evening usually and small, but there are two very helpful sempai or senior students DH and I usually practice with. I'll call one E-sempai. Even though he is very large E-sempai is a gentle giant and likes to joke around that the other student who I will call P-sempai, is always rough with him and that he is thankful we are there so he can practice with somebody else. P-sempai is an older woman, probably in her early 50s and both of them help walk me through the moves slowly when I'm overwhelmed or can't remember what I'm supposed to do. All of these people have been amazingly helpful, patient, and understanding! There are a few other sempai, but they aren't as good at helping/teaching me as E-sempai and P-sempai. But overall, it's so unlike just about every other physical learning experience I've ever had, and the small class size really allows for me to get the help I need and ask questions, unlike when I attempted a dance class years ago, which had many more students than this.
So some might be wondering why pick aikido out of all the physical activities I could have picked. Mostly, it's because of DH. He is the one who told me about it and why he thought it would be a good choice for me. It's also something I've never done before and is something I definitely can't become good at quickly, so I think it's a good way to tackle my need to be perfect and to improve my bodily intelligence. DH also picked out the dojo we go to awhile back in the hopes one day I would be willing to start. As last year was coming to a close I told him I would be ready to start this year. DH was right about it being a good choice for me. While I'm not sure if this is the general atmosphere of all aikido classes or just mine, but I think the lack of competitions and tournaments has a lot to do with helping create such a safe and comfortable learning environment. I am expected to make mistakes, I don't need to get it right the first time, I'm allowed to go at whatever pace I'm at as long as I show up and try, even if sometimes I'm only able to work on the first step of a move because I keep messing up. I also don't feel like I'm slowing down or seriously inconveniencing my anyone with my slow pace, which is a huge relief for a recovering people-pleaser like myself. Even E-sempai and P-sempai still get corrected on their form for beginning moves we're going over right now. They are helping us learn the beginning moves and by practicing them with us they are improving their form, so we are all benefiting from the process. I imagine this happens to our sensei when they go to seminars and practice with other instructors, too. However, I find it harder to work with the other sempai and feel myself getting anxious and teary more than I do with E-sempai and P-sempai. These other sempai haven't been around until this week, so I'm hoping as I practice with them more that it will get easier for us to work together. Everyone reassures me that when they started, they were fumbling along just like me and that in a year or two I'll be doing much better if I keep at it.
Sometimes I talk with R-sensei after class. I've told him some of my issues with perfectionism and getting frustrated with myself, that one reason I'm there is to try and work through those. He's been very understanding and told me the he thinks aikido brings up a lot of issues that you have to confront on your own since you can't take things out on an opponent. I think that's true and I'm glad, because confronting my issues is one of the reasons I'm there! As a bonus I'm learning about how to defend myself, too. All in all, even though this is a hard experience for me, I think it will help me become more confident in myself, as well as help me learn to treat myself more kindly. I'm still anxious, but I'm able to keep showing up at class instead of running away, so I already think I've made some progress and feel a little proud of myself for sticking to despite my insecurities.
If I ever have kids aikido is the extracurricular activity I'd want to involve them in!
Tuesday, February 26, 2013
Perfectionism and Physical Coordination
I wouldn't say my NM demanded perfection from me at all times, but rather that she had selected topics which she expected perfection to be achieved. These mostly revolved around a dishes (see The Dishwasher Was Infalliable, I Was Not) or cleaning in general. Never academics, though plenty of disappointment was expressed when I became poor student through junior high and high school. The blame for that however was often foisted on the school, teachers, and depression.
At any rate, starting in my late teenage years, through college and onward to today, perfectionism over took me. Mostly in my creative endeavors and school, and sometimes when I'm cleaning. If I got a 99 out of 100 points on a paper or exam, I would be focusing on the lost point instead of the fact I passed with flying colors. On nearly every paper I've turned in, every essay question on an exam, I always felt I hadn't worked hard enough. I was just bullshitting, the instructors were grading easy, my work wasn't the best it could be. Rationally I realize that it only felt like I wasn't working hard enough because I was actually good at what I was doing!
The things I am good at, I have been good at so long that I don't remember what it was like when it was hard. So when new things don't come easily to me I get frustrated, often to the point of tears. And often I quit. It's too frightening to be imperfect, to make mistakes, even though it's human and totally normal. This is especially true of anything that requires more bodily coordination that riding a bicycle.
My physical abilities, or bodily-kinesthetic intelligence, if you will, is pretty terrible. I have pretty good hand-eye coordination, but when it comes to my whole body it's as I said above; anything more complex than riding a bicycle is far outside my comfort zone. The only reason I can even ride a bicycle is because my father and the other kids in the neighborhood helped me. On the other hand, skating, rollerblading, ice skating, dancing, or gymnastics, were never pursued despite my very strong interest in some of them.
My NM would acknowledge my interests in and mention how somebody else's kid was doing them and that she would look in to it for me. However, she would also bring up everything discouraging she could, like if I wanted to learn to figure skate that I'd have to get up super early all the time to practice and stuff like that, as if I had said I wanted to go to the Olympics and win the gold, which of course wasn't what I wanted. Mostly I just wanted to be pretty and graceful at something. In the end, she would never follow through with getting more information, even though the topic would come up off and on. I think mostly she didn't want to have to hassle with taking me to any extracurricular activities, as money was never much of an issue for my family. Thus, I do think she deserves some blame for my relative physical ineptness. Such things are so much easier to start when you are child, and it wasn't as if I could pay for lessons and drive myself places back then.
This year, I have begun tackling perfectionism and improving my bodily intelligence. Last year I improved my health and strength by working out and as that year ended I felt more confident in my body, so I told DH that this year we would start taking aikido classes together. He thinks every woman should learn how to defend herself and it's something he's wanted to do together for awhile since he used to take aikido back in college. I also tried ice skating for the first time ever, and though I was miserable at first, I kept going once I got one of those skate mate trainer things to help keep me on my feet.
While it's obvious that working hard at a martial art should help improve my physical coordination, it's probably less clear what this has to do with perfectionism. But for me, I've picked something I am knowingly not good at, that I cannot do well on the first time, or even the second or third time. I will make mistakes and am expected to make mistakes. I am learning that mistakes are okay, and my sensei (teacher) is so helpful with this, never getting angry, or frustrated, or disappointed with me for making them. So I am going to keep doing this instead of running away, even when I'm frustrated to the point of tears, which has only happened a few times so far.
I think aikido is also the perfect environment for this experience. I'm not a particularly confrontational person, nor am I really competitive. Unlike many other martial arts, aikido has no competitions or tournaments, which I think probably dissuades really aggressive and competitive people from signing on; people who I would find intimidating and would probably scare me off. So unless you want to take an exam to reach a higher rank, you are only really competing with yourself and there is no comparisons against your peers. Also, although martial arts typically have ranks going all the way up to tenth dan, it is considered unattainable in aikido since that would imply one had learned and perfected everything, which is impossible because nobody is perfect. I like that philosophy, it is reassuring to know I am expected to not be perfect and that even the highest rank practitioners aren't considered such. Finally, the focus is never on injuring an attacker; the idea is to prevent yourself from being hurt without hurting the other person.
I'm going to write more on my experience of starting aikido next time!
At any rate, starting in my late teenage years, through college and onward to today, perfectionism over took me. Mostly in my creative endeavors and school, and sometimes when I'm cleaning. If I got a 99 out of 100 points on a paper or exam, I would be focusing on the lost point instead of the fact I passed with flying colors. On nearly every paper I've turned in, every essay question on an exam, I always felt I hadn't worked hard enough. I was just bullshitting, the instructors were grading easy, my work wasn't the best it could be. Rationally I realize that it only felt like I wasn't working hard enough because I was actually good at what I was doing!
The things I am good at, I have been good at so long that I don't remember what it was like when it was hard. So when new things don't come easily to me I get frustrated, often to the point of tears. And often I quit. It's too frightening to be imperfect, to make mistakes, even though it's human and totally normal. This is especially true of anything that requires more bodily coordination that riding a bicycle.
My physical abilities, or bodily-kinesthetic intelligence, if you will, is pretty terrible. I have pretty good hand-eye coordination, but when it comes to my whole body it's as I said above; anything more complex than riding a bicycle is far outside my comfort zone. The only reason I can even ride a bicycle is because my father and the other kids in the neighborhood helped me. On the other hand, skating, rollerblading, ice skating, dancing, or gymnastics, were never pursued despite my very strong interest in some of them.
My NM would acknowledge my interests in and mention how somebody else's kid was doing them and that she would look in to it for me. However, she would also bring up everything discouraging she could, like if I wanted to learn to figure skate that I'd have to get up super early all the time to practice and stuff like that, as if I had said I wanted to go to the Olympics and win the gold, which of course wasn't what I wanted. Mostly I just wanted to be pretty and graceful at something. In the end, she would never follow through with getting more information, even though the topic would come up off and on. I think mostly she didn't want to have to hassle with taking me to any extracurricular activities, as money was never much of an issue for my family. Thus, I do think she deserves some blame for my relative physical ineptness. Such things are so much easier to start when you are child, and it wasn't as if I could pay for lessons and drive myself places back then.
This year, I have begun tackling perfectionism and improving my bodily intelligence. Last year I improved my health and strength by working out and as that year ended I felt more confident in my body, so I told DH that this year we would start taking aikido classes together. He thinks every woman should learn how to defend herself and it's something he's wanted to do together for awhile since he used to take aikido back in college. I also tried ice skating for the first time ever, and though I was miserable at first, I kept going once I got one of those skate mate trainer things to help keep me on my feet.
While it's obvious that working hard at a martial art should help improve my physical coordination, it's probably less clear what this has to do with perfectionism. But for me, I've picked something I am knowingly not good at, that I cannot do well on the first time, or even the second or third time. I will make mistakes and am expected to make mistakes. I am learning that mistakes are okay, and my sensei (teacher) is so helpful with this, never getting angry, or frustrated, or disappointed with me for making them. So I am going to keep doing this instead of running away, even when I'm frustrated to the point of tears, which has only happened a few times so far.
I think aikido is also the perfect environment for this experience. I'm not a particularly confrontational person, nor am I really competitive. Unlike many other martial arts, aikido has no competitions or tournaments, which I think probably dissuades really aggressive and competitive people from signing on; people who I would find intimidating and would probably scare me off. So unless you want to take an exam to reach a higher rank, you are only really competing with yourself and there is no comparisons against your peers. Also, although martial arts typically have ranks going all the way up to tenth dan, it is considered unattainable in aikido since that would imply one had learned and perfected everything, which is impossible because nobody is perfect. I like that philosophy, it is reassuring to know I am expected to not be perfect and that even the highest rank practitioners aren't considered such. Finally, the focus is never on injuring an attacker; the idea is to prevent yourself from being hurt without hurting the other person.
I'm going to write more on my experience of starting aikido next time!
Tuesday, January 22, 2013
Didn't Take the Bait
So I mentioned in my previous post about spending about a week with my FOO for Christmas. All of us going to the vacation house for Christmas had been something my father brought up some time early last year. Since I don't come up to house on weekends as often as I did back when I was engulfed, I thought it might be a nice way to spend time together. I also felt like I was at a point where I could handle my NM and being around her for an extended period of time.
And you know what? I was right! Even when at one point I was discussing behavior modification ideas that could help my cousin with her kids, I didn't take the bait she threw out to get us started talking about my childhood and us. For the record my cousin lives far away but calls NM all the time to talk to and for help, because her own mother is way more disordered than mine. I'd say my cousin is the closest thing my mother has to a golden child, especially after she was no longer able to engulf me.
I was suggesting the use of token economies and some of the other principles of behavior modification I mentioned my post Punishment & Reinforcement. Despite how easy it would have been to start telling how she had done it all wrong when she started mentioning her attempts of using it with me, I didn't bring it up at all. Then she mentioned trying to use a token economy, with a chart on the fridge and everything, which I have no memory of happening. But considering this alleged attempt was supposedly when I was three years old at the time that's no surprise. The best part was NM telling me how one day I stormed over, tore the chart off, and three it to the floor while declaring "No more!"
This was clearly bait to turn the discussion into one I didn't want to have, even though I didn't quite realize it until I was in bed that night with my husband. I could have told her how she was probably doing it wrong- for example, a child has to be old enough to understand delayed gratification and that's not usually until at least five years of age (even then they aren't very good at it). I just shrugged while thinking that this wasn't something I was going to discuss, drank my tea, and let her tell me more about my cousin's kids. Despite NM's claims I think this would work with the right rewards for my cousin's children as they are over the age of five, but I didn't even bother arguing that point with her, either. If I really wanted to give my cousin my advice I'd call her, instead of musing over possible helpful ideas with NM anyway.
I feel pretty proud of myself that I was able to avoid taking her bait with so little conscious effort on my part. My DH on the other hand was watching a documentary at one point and got caught in a debate with my mother about something while I was showering. Of course, there's no changing that woman's mind and getting her to drop something while you still disagree with her is always a challenge. Even when you are more knowledgeable and are in fact correct. But he managed and other than that it was a surprisingly pleasant holiday.
And you know what? I was right! Even when at one point I was discussing behavior modification ideas that could help my cousin with her kids, I didn't take the bait she threw out to get us started talking about my childhood and us. For the record my cousin lives far away but calls NM all the time to talk to and for help, because her own mother is way more disordered than mine. I'd say my cousin is the closest thing my mother has to a golden child, especially after she was no longer able to engulf me.
I was suggesting the use of token economies and some of the other principles of behavior modification I mentioned my post Punishment & Reinforcement. Despite how easy it would have been to start telling how she had done it all wrong when she started mentioning her attempts of using it with me, I didn't bring it up at all. Then she mentioned trying to use a token economy, with a chart on the fridge and everything, which I have no memory of happening. But considering this alleged attempt was supposedly when I was three years old at the time that's no surprise. The best part was NM telling me how one day I stormed over, tore the chart off, and three it to the floor while declaring "No more!"
This was clearly bait to turn the discussion into one I didn't want to have, even though I didn't quite realize it until I was in bed that night with my husband. I could have told her how she was probably doing it wrong- for example, a child has to be old enough to understand delayed gratification and that's not usually until at least five years of age (even then they aren't very good at it). I just shrugged while thinking that this wasn't something I was going to discuss, drank my tea, and let her tell me more about my cousin's kids. Despite NM's claims I think this would work with the right rewards for my cousin's children as they are over the age of five, but I didn't even bother arguing that point with her, either. If I really wanted to give my cousin my advice I'd call her, instead of musing over possible helpful ideas with NM anyway.
I feel pretty proud of myself that I was able to avoid taking her bait with so little conscious effort on my part. My DH on the other hand was watching a documentary at one point and got caught in a debate with my mother about something while I was showering. Of course, there's no changing that woman's mind and getting her to drop something while you still disagree with her is always a challenge. Even when you are more knowledgeable and are in fact correct. But he managed and other than that it was a surprisingly pleasant holiday.
Thursday, January 17, 2013
Been Awhile, Still Alive
So I got kind of swamped with deadlines and the holidays and I have been neglecting my blogs and the blogs I've been reading. Nothing has changed between Samantha and I, in fact we haven't spoken or interacted at all since then. Never gave me an answer as to if I was in the wedding party still, which was unlikely anyway, but an answer would have been polite. I think it's safe to say I'm out, and wouldn't be a bridesmaid even if she begged. I was able to get all my things back from her though via her fiancee. Anyway, this post is going to be somewhat rambling, so I apologize in advance if it's hard to follow.
Our mothers did talk. However they have agreed we're adults and to stay out of it, although my NM says she did try to hint to Samantha's mother (who seems to have seen at least some of the e-mails) that this isn't just a problem between Samantha and I, but well, the entire group of friends and Samantha. Ah, if only my NM could learn to stay out of things that happen between E-Sis and me, not that they happen often. We've been doing pretty well and I'm censoring myself a little less because I've been discussing the book "Toxic Parents" by Susan Forward with a friend of ours whom I lent a copy to even when E-Sis is around. For the record, I think it is an excellent book for anyone who experienced any kind of abuse at the hands of one or more parent.
Anyway, the difference in my life without Samantha is negligible at best. It's amazing to look back on things between us without the haze of denial. Although I'm still working through some anger and grief. I suppose it might help if I removed her from my Facebook, but in a fit of petty revenge and possibly stubbornness I intend to keep her there until the bachelorette party do-over my friends and I are planning. I intend to remove her from my restricted list so she can see things I post again and then post a bunch of pictures of the wonderful time everyone is having without her and get a dig in about the crappy party she threw me and her telling people there I liked boring. It's a do-over for three of us, really. Samantha ruined mine and then nearly caused the bride to leave at one last year. A third friend also didn't get the kind of party she wanted from her (narcissistic borderline) "best friend" at the time, so we're planning a big girl's night in honor of the three of us. About the week before dear Samantha's wedding.
(Side note: the Restricted List feature on Facebook is very useful for those people you don't want to defriend and cause drama with, but don't want to let see anything. Only things you post publicly will be visible to a person on your Restricted List, which in my case is nothing!)
But I digress... her posts are kind of amusing because I can tell she's trying too hard to talk about her "awesome new friends", and seeing a preview of her engagement photos was a complete riot because they look so fake, right down to the bottle of wine. Did I mention everyone knows about her crazy diet and that wine is something she can't drink on said diet? Which makes those pictures particularly laughable. Sadly though as she's essentially starving herself, her face is beginning to look gaunt and I do feel bad because she's probably going to end up in the hospital.
I suppose all that doesn't make me a much better person than Samantha is, but I'm working through things and this is simply where I am right now. I'll move past it all eventually, I'm sure. It will probably be easier after her wedding. I'm waiting to see what happens with that because my DH and her fiancee are still friends, so I'm waiting to see if we are or aren't invited still to the wedding, or if she's tacky enough to invite only DH. I also haven't ruled out the possibility of being invited simply because we would be a viable source for money compared to many of her other friends. I have contingency plans prepared for if one or both of us are invited.
In other news I spent a week with FOO for a Christmas vacation and survived remarkably well! I'll write about that next time.
Our mothers did talk. However they have agreed we're adults and to stay out of it, although my NM says she did try to hint to Samantha's mother (who seems to have seen at least some of the e-mails) that this isn't just a problem between Samantha and I, but well, the entire group of friends and Samantha. Ah, if only my NM could learn to stay out of things that happen between E-Sis and me, not that they happen often. We've been doing pretty well and I'm censoring myself a little less because I've been discussing the book "Toxic Parents" by Susan Forward with a friend of ours whom I lent a copy to even when E-Sis is around. For the record, I think it is an excellent book for anyone who experienced any kind of abuse at the hands of one or more parent.
Anyway, the difference in my life without Samantha is negligible at best. It's amazing to look back on things between us without the haze of denial. Although I'm still working through some anger and grief. I suppose it might help if I removed her from my Facebook, but in a fit of petty revenge and possibly stubbornness I intend to keep her there until the bachelorette party do-over my friends and I are planning. I intend to remove her from my restricted list so she can see things I post again and then post a bunch of pictures of the wonderful time everyone is having without her and get a dig in about the crappy party she threw me and her telling people there I liked boring. It's a do-over for three of us, really. Samantha ruined mine and then nearly caused the bride to leave at one last year. A third friend also didn't get the kind of party she wanted from her (narcissistic borderline) "best friend" at the time, so we're planning a big girl's night in honor of the three of us. About the week before dear Samantha's wedding.
(Side note: the Restricted List feature on Facebook is very useful for those people you don't want to defriend and cause drama with, but don't want to let see anything. Only things you post publicly will be visible to a person on your Restricted List, which in my case is nothing!)
But I digress... her posts are kind of amusing because I can tell she's trying too hard to talk about her "awesome new friends", and seeing a preview of her engagement photos was a complete riot because they look so fake, right down to the bottle of wine. Did I mention everyone knows about her crazy diet and that wine is something she can't drink on said diet? Which makes those pictures particularly laughable. Sadly though as she's essentially starving herself, her face is beginning to look gaunt and I do feel bad because she's probably going to end up in the hospital.
I suppose all that doesn't make me a much better person than Samantha is, but I'm working through things and this is simply where I am right now. I'll move past it all eventually, I'm sure. It will probably be easier after her wedding. I'm waiting to see what happens with that because my DH and her fiancee are still friends, so I'm waiting to see if we are or aren't invited still to the wedding, or if she's tacky enough to invite only DH. I also haven't ruled out the possibility of being invited simply because we would be a viable source for money compared to many of her other friends. I have contingency plans prepared for if one or both of us are invited.
In other news I spent a week with FOO for a Christmas vacation and survived remarkably well! I'll write about that next time.
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