Thursday, August 30, 2012

Narcissists Are Like Cockroaches

For every one narcissist you find in your life, there are dozens more you just haven't seen yet. Well, maybe not that many, but if you have one, you usually find another or so. Having been raised them, we seem to attract them to us in other areas of our lives. They are drawn to us, and we are drawn to them until we learn better. Although it was probably just bad luck that landed me a narcissistic neighbor, but I digress.

I write this because I have now realized my best friend, who I mentioned bailing on plans with me in my last post, has significant narcissistic traits. I wouldn't go so far as to say she has a full blown personality disorder (yet), but she is definitely a very selfish and opinionated person. These negative traits are being magnified by her current unhealthy fad diet, which is adversely affecting her serotonin levels. Serotonin being that wonderful neurotransmitter that not only helps regulate mood, but also appetite, sleep, and even bone mass. Basically she has lost the ability to regulate her negative traits, which were only a minor nuisance to me previously. Then again, perhaps they were only minor back then because I lacked insight into myself and my NM?

But it isn't just me seeing this. Her behavior has been irritating all our other mutual friends, and more so than usual in those who I have learned tolerated her only for my sake all along. They provided a fascinating and enlightening third party perspective on my relationship with my best friend. I am a much stronger person today than I ever was in the past, so I can face and accept the truth. My best friend has always taken more than she has given, and I let her get away with it. I just couldn't see it until now. Although it was much milder and more subtle before she started her crazy diet; there would be eye-rolling, will-she-ever-shut-up moments, but none of this severe stuff that made me dislike her and actively not want to see her or be friends anymore.

I'm not going to just cut her out of my life though, we have a long shared history that can't be replaced, and I know her better than anyone else. I know just how insecure she is, just how much she hates herself. I know that each and every put down, every piece of snide, irritating, or opinionated bullshit that has comes out of her mouth is just a pathetic attempt to make her feel better about herself, to fill that emptiness she feels inside. But I also remember the past year or so she was doing really well, growing up and managing her faults better. I hope maybe someday she will be that person again. So I will simply change how I engage her, lower how valuable her friendship is to me and the esteem I hold her in. How she behaves is up to her, but ultimately I expect a gradual growing apart that will be cemented by her if she ever moves out of state like she wants to do.

Too bad I realized all this shit before I agreed to be bridesmaid in her wedding next year. I sense an impending bridezilla.


  1. Nooo, noooo, nooooo!!
    Mon Dieu, It's NOT TOO LATE to back out! Tell her you can't afford it-your student loans/house payment/furnace-something, ANYTHING-blew up. I am absolutely serious, AA Oh, Little One, Please don't do this to yourself! She's depending on your very best human qualities so she can leave her dirty foot-prints all OVER your prone body, I kid you not.
    Oh my. This is not good at all. No how, no way. I don't care how kind, considerate, understanding, educated you are, this is just a screamin' disaster in the making.
    You can always attend, but "attend to" as in bridesmaid? Are you really willing to devote a year of your life to the "Wedding-of-the-Year?" The drama? The screaming? The "never-good-enoughs" that are destined to unfold like a slow-action multi-car train wreck? Those are absolutely rhetorical questions....sort of...
    You're just on to the stuff and here it is, right back in your face in possibly the most odious manifestation of Narc-issm to ever crash into an otherwise decent life.
    Your "friends" are NOT your "clients." And if they ARE, it's time to do some heavy duty introspection and more importantly, ACTION. And shame on me for giving advice when you didn't ask for it, so I'll just take my old lady self home and, and....worry. Yeah, that's what I'll do. It never worked before, but at least I can feel like I'm doin' something even if it is non-productive. There, that's it-I'll worry for both of us, because you won't have time to because she'll be runnin' your little butt off/talking your ear off/pouting/screaming/crying/PMSing/un-engaging/re-engaging/hiring/firing/changing/re-arranging things so quickly you won't have time.
    And if indeed this Wedding DOES go off? You'll be kicked out just before if you look better than her (you will) or if she finds a "new" BFF "just your size" and you'll be stuck with a pricy, ugly dress you'll never wear again unless you can sell it to the NEXT unwitting "BFF."
    Please don't feel you have to post this. You don't. But please start listening to your gut. It's screaming, "Hey! You? Yeah, it's Me. Don't do this. Get out now." ;)

    1. Thanks for all the advice, I really do mean it. I read it twice!

      Ironically, she has always thought I looked better than her and been jealous of my body, as I've always be the "skinny one" (when we were kids she wished I would get fat when I got old, but it hasn't happened yet). But she asked me to be a bridesmaid anyway, so I doubt she'll kick me out for that. She might decide to kick me out when she realizes I'm not going to keep my mouth shut next time bullshit comes out of hers in front of me. She's become especially fond of criticizing people for what they eat and for not being able to do things she can do (like stupidly fast one day each week). I'm curious to see how she handles the first time I call her out on something...

      And I have an excellent seamstress who can definitely re-purpose a bridesmaid dress into something more stylish! ;)

  2. Excellent "plan!" And the first time you call her out and she reverts to her unbridled N-self, you can extricate yourself from the "Bridesmaid Role" if you choose to do so and mentally cross that off the "To Do" list.
    No doubt she has been jealous of you for years. Fixating on what others are eating/not eating tells me the "fixator" is projecting their own food stuff all over someone/everyone else. No matter how tactfully you point this out, here comes the N-rage/drama. The underlying stuff is all about control, but if they'd just keep it to themselves it would be far more tolerable for the rest of us.
    Can't wait to hear her response-it's so predictable it's almost too easy and for that, I thank the Ns in my life for tuning my "N Detector" to the correct "frequency." ;)

  3. I have to take issue with your comment about narcissist being like cock roaches. If they were like cock roaches we could fumigate where they congregate and be done with them.

  4. Ugh. Bridezillas. This is as a woman and twice wed -/ I don't get the whole "this is to be the most perfect day of my life" thing that seems to go hand & hand with weddings. That just sounds -- sad.

    Maybe part of it is my distaste with narcissists getting a "pass" to be as greedy as they've ever desired to be.