I mentioned in Narcissists Are Like Cockroaches that I happen to have a narcissistic neighbor. Between dealing with her, my mother, and Samantha, and reading the blogs in our community here I have come to believe there is one thing narcissists can't stand above all else.
It's not being called out for their behavior, it's not being proven wrong. What they seem to hate the most, what eats them up from the inside, I think, is being silenced. This is why No Contact drives them to extremes and they constantly try to find ways around it. They feel that people have to listen to them, that they are entitled above all else to have their say. Everyone is apparently entitled to the narcissist's opinion whether they want it or not. It's why my NM has gotten so pissed on the few occasions I hung up on her or that time I didn't answer and she called my DH. It's why Samantha refused to answer if I was still in the wedding party or not; she desperately needed something to use to keep the communications opened. Of course, that didn't work. I just assumed I was out and didn't keep asking her to verify.
Which brings me to my neighbor. After DH and I have finally gotten management to resolve an ongoing issue she was causing, my neighbor has taken to being hostile toward us on the rare occasions our paths cross. Before that she had always been polite, although annoying. But last night she arrived at our door swearing and complaining we make noise every night. This is of course absurd, especially given we spent most of last week at the hospital caring for DH's mother after a routine surgery. I would stay there from morning to evening, and then DH would take over until around 10 PM. He'd come home and we'd go straight to bed, exhausted.
Anyway, just before 11 PM last night she came knocking on our door and DH answered and I was nearby. The hostile way she was acting and talking to him caused him shut down, as it reminded him of his mother and his childhood. His mother wasn't a narcissist, but was abusive when he was growing up. But I digress.
I've put up with a lot of crap in my life and I can still tolerate a lot of shit. But I have my limits and I have things that set me off. One of those is when you target my loved ones. Do it to me? Sure, fine, whatever, I can take it. But when you go after somebody I love, well, that's a different story. Coming to my door and swearing at us while making exaggerated accusations is something I won't stand for these days. In the past I would have stood there waiting for her to finish and go away, then been angry afterward. Today though I am much better and enforcing my boundaries. I feel pretty proud of how I handled things. Often a ruminate over these things and think of what I could have done differently, or done better. Not this time!
What happened is a deathly calm came over me. There was anger, ridiculously calm. I slipped in from the side, placing an arm on the open door between her and DH and started closing it slowly and quietly as she went on and I told her politely to call management, nodding as she was making threats to do so. She really should have done that in the first place if she had a problem instead of trying to bully and pretend like sparing us from management was some kind of magnanimous favor she was giving us in spite of our horrible transgressions against her. Anyway, I was calm, cool, collected. It was smooth, I was smooth. I heard her storm away down the hall and I knew she was pissed. How dare I, at least two or three decades younger than her no less, deprive her of her divine right to tell everyone what for! To be silenced is a fate worse than death to the narcissist. As they have no true sense of self, when you take away their access to you as their mirror it's like you have literally destroyed a part of them.
Of course then my blood pressure spiked afterwards as it really sank in what an audacious boundary violation the whole thing was and just how distressed she had made my DH. That's the anger I'm more familiar with. The deathly calm, extremely productive anger isn't yet something I can call upon at will. Still, anger is a warning something isn't right and also energy to act on or change the wrong if you can just tap into it the right way. And that's exactly what I did. I protected my loved one without becoming aggressive- I was able to be assertive and enforce my boundaries in the face of a narcissistic rage.
I have already spoken to management this morning and in my
book this issue is resolved. However, in the event my neighbor refuses to cease coming to our door and/or being vulgar to us as per management's instruction, I've already looked up the paperwork I need to file for a restraining order. My bite is way worse than my bark.
Showing posts with label anger. Show all posts
Showing posts with label anger. Show all posts
Wednesday, March 27, 2013
Saturday, March 16, 2013
Two Years Ago - The Second Incident
Two years ago I was really learning about narcissistic mothers. I had finished reading Alice Miller's "Drama of the Gifted Child" and Susan Forward's "Toxic Parents" (which I highly recommend). And two years ago this week I had what I call "The Confrontation" with my mother.
I think it had been about six months since "The Incident", which I discussed in my post titled "The First Ephiphany". What I left out of the summary of "The Incident" was it was really conflict between my E-Sis; there was something very distressing to me that I did not want talked about in front of me and I asked it not be brought up in my presence. This still seems to me have been a very reasonable request and one that could easily be carried out. However she continued to bring it up in front of me. This upset me and perhaps for the first time ever I reacted much more like a normal person reacts to boundary violations; with anger toward the violator. My NM jumped in to middle of the situation and naturally that only escalated the situation. Over a period of about a week I hung up on someone, specifically my NM, for the first time ever, which became multiple hang ups, and sent a lengthy e-mail to NM and E-sis trying to explain how they had trivialized my emotions my entire life and apologizing to my sister for the one thing I had done that I felt merited an apology. It was a pretty scathing e-mail, but anyone with an ounce of empathy would have understood it was coming from a deep emotional wound.
For the record, I never received any serious apologize from E-sis for the things she said/did that hurt the most. Inf act instead of leaving me alone like I asked she kept picking at it making it worse. The whole blow up would have been much less severe if she'd just left me alone like I had asked at one point. We'd have had some space, thought about, and likely apologized to each other, I think. But obviously that wasn't what happened. Oh no, NM have to jump in. At any rate, NM and I saw each other at an outside event and tired of fighting I (foolishly) apologized. What did she say? She said she was sorry, "but if she had to make me angry at [her] so I'd forgive [my] sister..." Yeah, great apology there, NM.
Cue "The Second Incident" and about a month later "The Confrontation". After a frustrating "miscommunication" triangulated through E-Sis about if DH and I were coming up to do a favor for NM and then attempts to tell me (not ask) when we could come do this favor instead, I signed out of the online chat I was speaking to my E-sis through. When I am annoyed or frustrated I like to be left alone to cool off and get over it. For some reason everyone besides E-sis and NM seem to understand that. Apparently NM felt like she had to protect E-sis from me or something, and decided she would "nip" whatever the hell she thought was happening "in the bud". At the time I was just frustrated, annoyed, and wanted to be left alone; then she called my cellphone. That's when I became angry.
Kudos to me though, I chose to maintain the boundary of being left alone for awhile and didn't answer. I knew speaking to her at that time would be a bad idea, and I knew I was entitled to not speak to her if I did not feel like doing so. Did she perhaps leave a message like any other reasonable person would do when the person they are calling doesn't answer? Or decide to call back another time? No, of course not. Narcissists are not reasonable people, after all.
She called my husband's cellphone (who foolishly answered), and demanded he put me on the phone. That is when I became furious! Mind you that's not how she remembers it happening, she claims she only asked him to have me call when I was ready. However, "That's probably not a good idea right now" is not how one responds to a have-her-call-me request. That's how somebody responds to a demand, and demanding is exactly how DH described her opening line. Then he couldn't get her off the damn phone. Oh, she didn't want to drag him into the middle, but oh it was just a miscommunication, and the best part of all is what she thought I was being over-sensitive about in the first place.
NM thought I was mad because they had ordered pizza (which E-sis started regaling me with how bad the pizza was and that I wasn't missing anything when I expressed annoyance) and if we came up we'd have to take care of ourselves for dinner because they didn't order enough because she didn't know we were coming (because she asked E-sis instead of say, asking us directly if we were coming up). That's right, she thought I, her college educated, married, adult daughter was upset over not getting pizza. Newsflash, I was mad that nobody bothered to check with us if we were coming up, that they then tried to tell us when we could up like we didn't have schedules and lives of our own to deal with, acting so put upon because NM doesn't want company (when we were doing them a favor) that unless she wanted to wait weeks, it had to be done that evening, and that they treated our time like it had no value whatsoever when we were doing NM a favor! DH normally charges people by the hour for what we were coming up to do for NM.
If I wanted a fucking pizza that badly, I'd have ordered myself one, bitch! I'm an adult; credit card, car, and all. I have a phone and a computer, I could have order it that way and had it delivered if I wanted it that badly. In fact I have my pick of some of the best pizza in the city where I live. The hardest part would be picking out which amazing pizza I wanted. Hell, my husband makes pizza from scratch. I am clearly not lacking in pizza and can obtain it through a variety of channels. The pizza was never the real issue here, but it sure says a lot about how my NM sees me.
After about thirty minutes I was ready to rip the phone out of DH's hand and making "get off the phone" motions to him. I was enraged at that point and I knew DH wasn't happy because his tone had changed to the same one he uses when he's talking to his mother. She kept talking to him about how it was a miscommunication. Gee, how did that happen? Let me think... E-sis asked the night before if we were coming to do that thing for NM and I said there was something we had to do, but maybe in the evening. NM asks E-sis if we are coming (instead of asking us), and E-sis says we aren't! Hm, who is at fault here? Yes, I could have called earlier and said "hey, we're coming up", but that street goes both ways and NM could have called me about it instead of asking a third party. She kept repeating herself about miscommunications, the stupid pizza, and not wanting to put him in the middle even though that was exactly what she was trying to do.
The finishing touch at the end was the text message she sent DH the next day about how she just needed to communicate how she felt and that she didn't want to put him the middle. It is not appropriate for her to try and use my husband to try and meet that need. It is in fact the exact opposite of keeping DH out of the middle, not that he would ever be "in the middle" anyway because he is 100% supportive of me in all this.
I'll try to write about "The Confrontation" at some point, but it can best be summed up with NM's opening and closing actions. She said no matter what I had to say she would always love me.
Then she literally walked out while I was still talking.
I think it had been about six months since "The Incident", which I discussed in my post titled "The First Ephiphany". What I left out of the summary of "The Incident" was it was really conflict between my E-Sis; there was something very distressing to me that I did not want talked about in front of me and I asked it not be brought up in my presence. This still seems to me have been a very reasonable request and one that could easily be carried out. However she continued to bring it up in front of me. This upset me and perhaps for the first time ever I reacted much more like a normal person reacts to boundary violations; with anger toward the violator. My NM jumped in to middle of the situation and naturally that only escalated the situation. Over a period of about a week I hung up on someone, specifically my NM, for the first time ever, which became multiple hang ups, and sent a lengthy e-mail to NM and E-sis trying to explain how they had trivialized my emotions my entire life and apologizing to my sister for the one thing I had done that I felt merited an apology. It was a pretty scathing e-mail, but anyone with an ounce of empathy would have understood it was coming from a deep emotional wound.
For the record, I never received any serious apologize from E-sis for the things she said/did that hurt the most. Inf act instead of leaving me alone like I asked she kept picking at it making it worse. The whole blow up would have been much less severe if she'd just left me alone like I had asked at one point. We'd have had some space, thought about, and likely apologized to each other, I think. But obviously that wasn't what happened. Oh no, NM have to jump in. At any rate, NM and I saw each other at an outside event and tired of fighting I (foolishly) apologized. What did she say? She said she was sorry, "but if she had to make me angry at [her] so I'd forgive [my] sister..." Yeah, great apology there, NM.
Cue "The Second Incident" and about a month later "The Confrontation". After a frustrating "miscommunication" triangulated through E-Sis about if DH and I were coming up to do a favor for NM and then attempts to tell me (not ask) when we could come do this favor instead, I signed out of the online chat I was speaking to my E-sis through. When I am annoyed or frustrated I like to be left alone to cool off and get over it. For some reason everyone besides E-sis and NM seem to understand that. Apparently NM felt like she had to protect E-sis from me or something, and decided she would "nip" whatever the hell she thought was happening "in the bud". At the time I was just frustrated, annoyed, and wanted to be left alone; then she called my cellphone. That's when I became angry.
Kudos to me though, I chose to maintain the boundary of being left alone for awhile and didn't answer. I knew speaking to her at that time would be a bad idea, and I knew I was entitled to not speak to her if I did not feel like doing so. Did she perhaps leave a message like any other reasonable person would do when the person they are calling doesn't answer? Or decide to call back another time? No, of course not. Narcissists are not reasonable people, after all.
She called my husband's cellphone (who foolishly answered), and demanded he put me on the phone. That is when I became furious! Mind you that's not how she remembers it happening, she claims she only asked him to have me call when I was ready. However, "That's probably not a good idea right now" is not how one responds to a have-her-call-me request. That's how somebody responds to a demand, and demanding is exactly how DH described her opening line. Then he couldn't get her off the damn phone. Oh, she didn't want to drag him into the middle, but oh it was just a miscommunication, and the best part of all is what she thought I was being over-sensitive about in the first place.
NM thought I was mad because they had ordered pizza (which E-sis started regaling me with how bad the pizza was and that I wasn't missing anything when I expressed annoyance) and if we came up we'd have to take care of ourselves for dinner because they didn't order enough because she didn't know we were coming (because she asked E-sis instead of say, asking us directly if we were coming up). That's right, she thought I, her college educated, married, adult daughter was upset over not getting pizza. Newsflash, I was mad that nobody bothered to check with us if we were coming up, that they then tried to tell us when we could up like we didn't have schedules and lives of our own to deal with, acting so put upon because NM doesn't want company (when we were doing them a favor) that unless she wanted to wait weeks, it had to be done that evening, and that they treated our time like it had no value whatsoever when we were doing NM a favor! DH normally charges people by the hour for what we were coming up to do for NM.
If I wanted a fucking pizza that badly, I'd have ordered myself one, bitch! I'm an adult; credit card, car, and all. I have a phone and a computer, I could have order it that way and had it delivered if I wanted it that badly. In fact I have my pick of some of the best pizza in the city where I live. The hardest part would be picking out which amazing pizza I wanted. Hell, my husband makes pizza from scratch. I am clearly not lacking in pizza and can obtain it through a variety of channels. The pizza was never the real issue here, but it sure says a lot about how my NM sees me.
After about thirty minutes I was ready to rip the phone out of DH's hand and making "get off the phone" motions to him. I was enraged at that point and I knew DH wasn't happy because his tone had changed to the same one he uses when he's talking to his mother. She kept talking to him about how it was a miscommunication. Gee, how did that happen? Let me think... E-sis asked the night before if we were coming to do that thing for NM and I said there was something we had to do, but maybe in the evening. NM asks E-sis if we are coming (instead of asking us), and E-sis says we aren't! Hm, who is at fault here? Yes, I could have called earlier and said "hey, we're coming up", but that street goes both ways and NM could have called me about it instead of asking a third party. She kept repeating herself about miscommunications, the stupid pizza, and not wanting to put him in the middle even though that was exactly what she was trying to do.
The finishing touch at the end was the text message she sent DH the next day about how she just needed to communicate how she felt and that she didn't want to put him the middle. It is not appropriate for her to try and use my husband to try and meet that need. It is in fact the exact opposite of keeping DH out of the middle, not that he would ever be "in the middle" anyway because he is 100% supportive of me in all this.
I'll try to write about "The Confrontation" at some point, but it can best be summed up with NM's opening and closing actions. She said no matter what I had to say she would always love me.
Then she literally walked out while I was still talking.
Tuesday, October 9, 2012
Post Letter Analysis
Since I will not be engaging in any JADE (Thanks Quercus), I thought I'd get it out of my system by dissecting her letter here on my blog.
I was going to write an email back and respond point to point, but after reading it all again I don't feel that it's necessary. [But I'm going to do it anyway for the rest of the letter]
I want to point out just a few things that I felt were an attack on my character which were harsh, unfair, and untrue [See? Just like I said she would!]: I would never say that about [DH]'s degree, especially since [her fiancee] has almost the same degree from the same institution, and I think both of them are extremely intelligent; also as I'm looking to go to that school, I don't think that there is anything wrong with it.[Yeah, now that you're thinking of going there. I hope they don't let you in.
I do not think you are boring and have never called you boring, and I would not share thoughts like that with people who are our mutual friends because that would be rude. [Really? Because not one, but two people heard you say it.]
I don't know where this rumor about the math started, but I find it extremely offensive. I have never ever lied about anything like that - my mother taught me to be an honest and trustworthy person and I would never do anything like that, especially not with other people's money. You guys always entrusted me to work out the bill, and if there was ever an issue it was purely by mistake. [Really? You still owe us $100, but you claim to have paid it. We decided it was too much trouble to argue with you about it since we were friends and all.]
The fact that you can even think that about me really shows how I was wrong about what you knew about me. [Yeah, you were wrong about what I knew about you. You thought I didn't know any of this shit and never would.]
The fact that all these things you mentioned are what people have said they thought about me, and you don't trust me at all over them - you take their word over mine, shows me how you feel about me as a friend.[Yes, how dare I believe somebody besides you. You, who couldn't even keep the promise you made to me to get your cholesterol checked when you went in for your physical exam. You who in the next lines will be lying through your fucking teeth. Please, tell me why I should trust you again? When you're willing to talk about our friend's weight behind their back to me, why shouldn't I believe you'd talk about me behind my back, too?]
As for leaving you for an acquaintance, the only time I remember cancelling plans with you was to hang out with my sister when she was dealing with post-partem depression. [Really? I have messages that state otherwise. Something about how you wouldn't be able to see her on her birthday Saturday so you were going to have lunch with her instead of keeping your plans with me. But I didn't even bring that up, you did. And you completely ignored the documented example I gave you.]
And to comment on my relationship with [her fiancee] seems out of line - everyone has their quirks with their significant other, including you - and I have never made a comment no them because it was not my place. [Attacking the example, not what it represented. I told her she reacts poorly to criticism, for example she yells her her fiancee when he tries to correct her form when working out. She completely missed the point.]
I didn't realize you had so much built up against me - I had assumed that if you had anything you would talk to me about it. [Yes, I should have talked to her sooner. But that doesn't give her a free pass for her poor behavior. That is my share and I own it.]
To blame me in this situation for being not easy to talk to is simply you guys passing off any responsibility on to me. [Wasn't blaming you for it, just stating a fact. I was talking to you now about it, quite reasonably too, and look what your responded with.
No one has tried to talk to me since that time a long time ago, and I have changed quite a bit since then. So to blame me being confrontational is simply hiding behind all of you not wanting to come out and say it, but all discuss it among yourselves. [Trying now. You haven't changed much at all, honestly. And yeah, you might want to consider how you being confrontational affects how people treat you.]
I never considered you a back up option, and I assumed you would understand that I had less time as we got older and things were finally going the right way for me. [So things weren't going to right way for you before? What does that say about us then? It isn't about how much time you spend with me or the rest of us, but the way you act and the way you bail on us.]
You may feel however you feel. I still cherish our
friendship, and I still love you. If you feel like you no longer want
that, then that is your choice and I accept whatever decision you make. [Thanks for permission. However the choice was yours, despite what you say here, and you've already made it. You already made the choice to end this friendship when you sent this e-mail. And you don't love me, you are confusing love and need. You need me. You need me a hell of a lot more than I need you, and this is gonna hurt you a lot more than it hurts me. I know how insecure you are, and you're losing a rock you've held onto for 20 years now. Let's see how well you swim without me.]
This is the draft of the last letter I intend to ever send her:
Thank you for proving my points for me and for attempting to violate every healthy boundary I have established. I didn't talk to you sooner, and that is my fault. I own that, but it does not excuse your behavior, especially now. My door is always open if you are ever willing to respect my boundaries, to take responsibility for your actions, to own your share in this, and to be honest. In the meantime, please return the spare keys to my apartment, my book [Title], our [cooking object, and if you happen to be the one who still has it, my sister’s book [Title]
Also, [another friend] had given me the book he borrowed from you to return for him on the Friday before last, but I accidentally left it at [FRIEND B]'s. I can retrieve it for you, or if you like, you may contact them directly.
If you no longer wish to involve me in your wedding, I will respect your decision and will not be offended.
Thank you,
[Adela Alba]
That's it, except maybe to arrange the return of my things and her book, that's the last communication I plan on responding to. I expect some rage or backpedaling in the near future when I send my response. Any further response will be met either with silence or a broken record version of this final letter. Right now I am letting her stew in her own juices for a bit and enjoying a swift move from karma. Her car was broken into and trashed by people looking for high end speakers that weren't there. They even cut her seat belt. Can't say I feel sorry for her though.
I was going to write an email back and respond point to point, but after reading it all again I don't feel that it's necessary. [But I'm going to do it anyway for the rest of the letter]
I want to point out just a few things that I felt were an attack on my character which were harsh, unfair, and untrue [See? Just like I said she would!]: I would never say that about [DH]'s degree, especially since [her fiancee] has almost the same degree from the same institution, and I think both of them are extremely intelligent; also as I'm looking to go to that school, I don't think that there is anything wrong with it.[Yeah, now that you're thinking of going there. I hope they don't let you in.
I do not think you are boring and have never called you boring, and I would not share thoughts like that with people who are our mutual friends because that would be rude. [Really? Because not one, but two people heard you say it.]
I don't know where this rumor about the math started, but I find it extremely offensive. I have never ever lied about anything like that - my mother taught me to be an honest and trustworthy person and I would never do anything like that, especially not with other people's money. You guys always entrusted me to work out the bill, and if there was ever an issue it was purely by mistake. [Really? You still owe us $100, but you claim to have paid it. We decided it was too much trouble to argue with you about it since we were friends and all.]
The fact that you can even think that about me really shows how I was wrong about what you knew about me. [Yeah, you were wrong about what I knew about you. You thought I didn't know any of this shit and never would.]
The fact that all these things you mentioned are what people have said they thought about me, and you don't trust me at all over them - you take their word over mine, shows me how you feel about me as a friend.[Yes, how dare I believe somebody besides you. You, who couldn't even keep the promise you made to me to get your cholesterol checked when you went in for your physical exam. You who in the next lines will be lying through your fucking teeth. Please, tell me why I should trust you again? When you're willing to talk about our friend's weight behind their back to me, why shouldn't I believe you'd talk about me behind my back, too?]
As for leaving you for an acquaintance, the only time I remember cancelling plans with you was to hang out with my sister when she was dealing with post-partem depression. [Really? I have messages that state otherwise. Something about how you wouldn't be able to see her on her birthday Saturday so you were going to have lunch with her instead of keeping your plans with me. But I didn't even bring that up, you did. And you completely ignored the documented example I gave you.]
And to comment on my relationship with [her fiancee] seems out of line - everyone has their quirks with their significant other, including you - and I have never made a comment no them because it was not my place. [Attacking the example, not what it represented. I told her she reacts poorly to criticism, for example she yells her her fiancee when he tries to correct her form when working out. She completely missed the point.]
I didn't realize you had so much built up against me - I had assumed that if you had anything you would talk to me about it. [Yes, I should have talked to her sooner. But that doesn't give her a free pass for her poor behavior. That is my share and I own it.]
To blame me in this situation for being not easy to talk to is simply you guys passing off any responsibility on to me. [Wasn't blaming you for it, just stating a fact. I was talking to you now about it, quite reasonably too, and look what your responded with.
No one has tried to talk to me since that time a long time ago, and I have changed quite a bit since then. So to blame me being confrontational is simply hiding behind all of you not wanting to come out and say it, but all discuss it among yourselves. [Trying now. You haven't changed much at all, honestly. And yeah, you might want to consider how you being confrontational affects how people treat you.]
I never considered you a back up option, and I assumed you would understand that I had less time as we got older and things were finally going the right way for me. [So things weren't going to right way for you before? What does that say about us then? It isn't about how much time you spend with me or the rest of us, but the way you act and the way you bail on us.]
That's all I have to say. As you were so negative in
your email with all of your "I will not" and "I won't stand for", I'll
do the same. [I was telling you my boundaries. If you can't handle them, that's your problem. Not mine.]
I will not let what happened last time happen this time. [Really? And what happened last time? I recall everything worked out and we all were able to get along again.]
You tell me how I can get back into everyone's good graces? It's your terms or nothing? There are guidelines and parameters that I have to abide by? [All I told you was to talk to them. I can't imagine how you expect anything to change if you sit around and do nothing. And I only told you what I would and would not tolerate and that I wouldn't be your middle man anymore.]
I am your best friend, or so I thought, and I thought I was on equal footing. I didn't know it was your rules or nothing. I didn't know I didn't get a say. [Equal footing doesn't mean no boundaries. Equal footing means respecting each other's boundaries. Blind loyalty is not equal footing and you clearly expected blind loyalty from me judging by how outraged you are I believed what others said.]
If you feel so indifferent about our friendship that you can say this is how it will be, take it or leave it... then I suppose I thought we were something different than we are. I will not just go only by your rules, I thought we were equals in this relationship and I thought we both had a say, that there would be compromise - not just me following what you want. So if it really is your way or the highway, I feel like with that attitude you are pushing me toward the highway. [Sounds more like your way or the highway. I told you we could talk, even get the group together. But you don't seem interested. If your rules our blind loyalty and putting up with your abuse, then please, get on that highway and don't come back.]
I would really not like to end over 20 years of friendship, but if everything you listed in your past email is really how you see me, then we obviously have not been the friends I thought we were all this time. [Sounds to me like you only value the length of time we've been friends. I was honest and authentic in my e-mail to you. If anything, you are not the person I used to think you were. We literally have nothing in common but the past.]
I will not let what happened last time happen this time. [Really? And what happened last time? I recall everything worked out and we all were able to get along again.]
You tell me how I can get back into everyone's good graces? It's your terms or nothing? There are guidelines and parameters that I have to abide by? [All I told you was to talk to them. I can't imagine how you expect anything to change if you sit around and do nothing. And I only told you what I would and would not tolerate and that I wouldn't be your middle man anymore.]
I am your best friend, or so I thought, and I thought I was on equal footing. I didn't know it was your rules or nothing. I didn't know I didn't get a say. [Equal footing doesn't mean no boundaries. Equal footing means respecting each other's boundaries. Blind loyalty is not equal footing and you clearly expected blind loyalty from me judging by how outraged you are I believed what others said.]
If you feel so indifferent about our friendship that you can say this is how it will be, take it or leave it... then I suppose I thought we were something different than we are. I will not just go only by your rules, I thought we were equals in this relationship and I thought we both had a say, that there would be compromise - not just me following what you want. So if it really is your way or the highway, I feel like with that attitude you are pushing me toward the highway. [Sounds more like your way or the highway. I told you we could talk, even get the group together. But you don't seem interested. If your rules our blind loyalty and putting up with your abuse, then please, get on that highway and don't come back.]
I would really not like to end over 20 years of friendship, but if everything you listed in your past email is really how you see me, then we obviously have not been the friends I thought we were all this time. [Sounds to me like you only value the length of time we've been friends. I was honest and authentic in my e-mail to you. If anything, you are not the person I used to think you were. We literally have nothing in common but the past.]
This is the draft of the last letter I intend to ever send her:
Thank you for proving my points for me and for attempting to violate every healthy boundary I have established. I didn't talk to you sooner, and that is my fault. I own that, but it does not excuse your behavior, especially now. My door is always open if you are ever willing to respect my boundaries, to take responsibility for your actions, to own your share in this, and to be honest. In the meantime, please return the spare keys to my apartment, my book [Title], our [cooking object, and if you happen to be the one who still has it, my sister’s book [Title]
Also, [another friend] had given me the book he borrowed from you to return for him on the Friday before last, but I accidentally left it at [FRIEND B]'s. I can retrieve it for you, or if you like, you may contact them directly.
If you no longer wish to involve me in your wedding, I will respect your decision and will not be offended.
Thank you,
[Adela Alba]
That's it, except maybe to arrange the return of my things and her book, that's the last communication I plan on responding to. I expect some rage or backpedaling in the near future when I send my response. Any further response will be met either with silence or a broken record version of this final letter. Right now I am letting her stew in her own juices for a bit and enjoying a swift move from karma. Her car was broken into and trashed by people looking for high end speakers that weren't there. They even cut her seat belt. Can't say I feel sorry for her though.
Tuesday, September 25, 2012
Taking Love Away
I realized last night that I have internalized a particular behavior of my NM's. When she would be angry at me, when she would rage because I had done something wrong or bad, I would feel unloved and unloveable. She would take her love away from me at those times, her love was utterly conditional.
And now when I don't do as well as I think I should, or I make a mistake, I take my love away from myself. I stop loving myself in those moments. She taught me to hate myself. When I was a child I knew she was what made me hate myself, though I didn't have the words to really explain it. Some how along the way, I forgot this as I grew up and became an adult. Unknowingly I took ownership of her hatred for me at those times and made it my own.
I've mentioned this in comments before, but it's about time I posted it here. When I barely nine years old, I wrote this in my diary:
Dear Diary,
I'm going to kill myself cause of mom and dad! (I hate myself!)
That was it. I think my father simply got lumped in with my mom at that time because he was a parent, and I didn't realize back then that he had no idea just how awful it was for me. I actually have mostly good memories about my father. Anyway, I don't remember anything in particular that caused me to write that diary entry, all I know is it must have written it alone in my room, angry and/or crying, like I did all my diary entries. But it spells the truth so clearly.
When I read that page in my old diary now, I can see what it is really trying to say. "I hate myself because of my mom."
This song, "Sorry to Myself" by Alanis Morissette, is perhaps the story of myself, although the only person who has perhaps been crueler to me is my NM, but she's the one who taught me to abuse myself. I really have treated myself worse than I've treated anyone else though. I have more compassion for strangers than I do for myself usually. I need start being kinder to myself and loving myself no matter what. I really do owe myself the biggest apology.
For hearing all my doubts so selectively and
For continuing my numbing love endlessly.
For helping you, and myself not even considering
For beating myself up and over functioning.
To whom do I owe the biggest apology?
No one's been crueler than I've been to me.
For letting you decide if I indeed was desirable
For myself love being so embarrassingly conditional.
And for denying myself to somehow make us compatible
And for trying to fit a rectangle into a ball.
To whom do I owe the biggest apology?
No one's been crueler than I've been to me.
I'm sorry to myself.
My apologies begin here before everybody else.
I'm sorry to myself.
For treating me worse than I would anybody else.
For blaming myself for your unhappiness
For my impatience when I was perfect where I was.
Ignoring all the signs that I was not ready,
And expecting myself to be where you wanted me to be.
To whom do I owe the first apology?
No one's been crueler than I've been to me.
And I'm sorry to myself.
My apologies begin here before everybody else.
I'm sorry to myself.
For treating me worse than I would anybody else.
Well, I wonder which crime is the biggest?
Forgetting you or forgetting myself...
Had I heeded the wisdom of the latter,
I would've naturally loved the former.
For ignoring you: my highest voices.
For smiling when my strife was all too obvious.
For being so disassociated from my body,
And for not letting go when it would've been the kindest thing.
To whom do I owe the biggest apology?
No one's been crueler than I've been to me.
And
I'm sorry to myself.
My apologies begin here before everybody else
I'm sorry to myself.
For treating me worse than I would anybody else.
I'm sorry to myself.
My apologies begin here before everybody else
I'm sorry to myself.
For treating me worse than I would anybody else
And now when I don't do as well as I think I should, or I make a mistake, I take my love away from myself. I stop loving myself in those moments. She taught me to hate myself. When I was a child I knew she was what made me hate myself, though I didn't have the words to really explain it. Some how along the way, I forgot this as I grew up and became an adult. Unknowingly I took ownership of her hatred for me at those times and made it my own.
I've mentioned this in comments before, but it's about time I posted it here. When I barely nine years old, I wrote this in my diary:
Dear Diary,
I'm going to kill myself cause of mom and dad! (I hate myself!)
That was it. I think my father simply got lumped in with my mom at that time because he was a parent, and I didn't realize back then that he had no idea just how awful it was for me. I actually have mostly good memories about my father. Anyway, I don't remember anything in particular that caused me to write that diary entry, all I know is it must have written it alone in my room, angry and/or crying, like I did all my diary entries. But it spells the truth so clearly.
When I read that page in my old diary now, I can see what it is really trying to say. "I hate myself because of my mom."
This song, "Sorry to Myself" by Alanis Morissette, is perhaps the story of myself, although the only person who has perhaps been crueler to me is my NM, but she's the one who taught me to abuse myself. I really have treated myself worse than I've treated anyone else though. I have more compassion for strangers than I do for myself usually. I need start being kinder to myself and loving myself no matter what. I really do owe myself the biggest apology.
For hearing all my doubts so selectively and
For continuing my numbing love endlessly.
For helping you, and myself not even considering
For beating myself up and over functioning.
To whom do I owe the biggest apology?
No one's been crueler than I've been to me.
For letting you decide if I indeed was desirable
For myself love being so embarrassingly conditional.
And for denying myself to somehow make us compatible
And for trying to fit a rectangle into a ball.
To whom do I owe the biggest apology?
No one's been crueler than I've been to me.
I'm sorry to myself.
My apologies begin here before everybody else.
I'm sorry to myself.
For treating me worse than I would anybody else.
For blaming myself for your unhappiness
For my impatience when I was perfect where I was.
Ignoring all the signs that I was not ready,
And expecting myself to be where you wanted me to be.
To whom do I owe the first apology?
No one's been crueler than I've been to me.
And I'm sorry to myself.
My apologies begin here before everybody else.
I'm sorry to myself.
For treating me worse than I would anybody else.
Well, I wonder which crime is the biggest?
Forgetting you or forgetting myself...
Had I heeded the wisdom of the latter,
I would've naturally loved the former.
For ignoring you: my highest voices.
For smiling when my strife was all too obvious.
For being so disassociated from my body,
And for not letting go when it would've been the kindest thing.
To whom do I owe the biggest apology?
No one's been crueler than I've been to me.
And
I'm sorry to myself.
My apologies begin here before everybody else
I'm sorry to myself.
For treating me worse than I would anybody else.
I'm sorry to myself.
My apologies begin here before everybody else
I'm sorry to myself.
For treating me worse than I would anybody else
Monday, September 10, 2012
Hello, Anger
I have discovered anger toward my N-ish best friend.I suppose I need to come up with a nickname for her for blogging purposes, because she's probably going to be a common topic of discussion from now until who knows when. Hence forth, allow me to introduce you to "Samantha".
Samantha is the same age as me and we have known each other since we were small children. Even back then she was selfish and didn't like sharing her things while I was expected to share mine. And I did, because my NM taught me to share. She didn't teach me how to stand up for myself, although I did learn to start doing that. Anyway, she was practically my only friend, and since our parents became friends I saw her often and it's probably because of our parents that we stayed friends.
Samantha was never thin. She wasn't morbidly obese or anything, but she was never tiny like I was. She has struggled with her body image and weight for most of the time I've known her. When we were kids, she didn't like that I was so little and yet ate sweets whenever I wanted. She hoped I would get fat when I got older. That hasn't happened yet. Of course I've filled out in all the right places and I'm not a stick anymore, but I love my hour glass figure and so does DH. Sure, I have my insecurities, but over all I think I am a decently attractive human being.
So since I opened up to my friends and E-Sis about Samantha and her behavior as of late, I've learned some fascinating things. One friend (who I've talked with about NM before and has a mother way crazier than mine) has only been tolerating her for my sake, although Samantha doesn't know it. Samantha seriously damaged that relationship years ago by being a shitty friend when that friend's father was dying. Another views her as more of a friend of a friend. A newer, third friend has noticed Samantha trying to become closer with her and absolutely does not want to be closer to her; she has been down the road I'm walking with a best friend before. E-Sis, for all her faults, can be very protective of me and wanted to punch Samantha in the face the other week for making me cry.
But best of all is the things I have learned Samantha has said to other people! She has disparaged DH's degree behind my back for coming from a less prestigious university as hers. Never mind the person she told this too has a degree from the same university as DH and that's where almost everybody in my group of friends got their bachelors degrees from, including me. Never mind that her fiancee has a degree from there. Never mind that fact DH makes literally four times as much as she does and that her fancy degree has gotten her absolutely nothing. It's more worthless than a liberal arts degree, seriously. Samantha had to lie on her resume to get a fucking clerical job. But in a case of delicious irony, Samantha is going back to college to pursue a degree in the same field as DH, and even more ironic is that she may very well be going to that very same less prestigious university the rest of us went to.
I also learned the reason why my bachelorette party was so boring and lame. Apparently I "like it boring". I didn't know not wanting to get drunk off my ass and not wanting any male strippers left lame and boring as the only party option left. Yes, she told one of my other bridesmaid that it was okay, that I liked it boring. Apparently they offered to help but she claimed she knew what I wanted. Fascinating, since she never asked me anything beyond what I told her about not wanting strippers. Dinner was fine, but after that we all went back to her place and she had no food and there was nothing to do. She started having a political debate and raising her voice with another guest and had the nerve to get annoyed with me for being unhappy about it! Raised voices are a trigger for me, you see. That happens when you spend your formative years getting yelled at. But it isn't just my party, she didn't know what to do after dinner for her sister's party, either. It was a fluke somebody suggested something fun to do after dinner. Samantha can't plan things well, especially things that aren't for her. Although with what she's been saying about her wedding plans, I'm not sure she can plan things well that are for her either. Well, in all fairness the bridal showers and baby showers she's done have been very nice and gone very well. But those have an easy formula to follow.
I almost forget these gems: in her maid of honor speech, she'd had a bit much to drink, but she made a joke about having control over me and took credit for the fact DH and I started going out. The truth of the matter is I just asked her what she thought of him before I asked him out. I'd have probably done it regardless of her opinion and the reason DH and I even met was because our similar interests brought us to the same club. Also, when we were in our late teens and her boyfriend had dumped her and her "friends" ditched her, our mutual friends and I consoled her and hung out with her and cheered her up. Apparently at some point I don't recall, she said something about wanting to be with her "real friends". Guess we didn't count? No wonder my friends aren't friends with her anymore!
Samantha also whines when she doesn't like something or doesn't get her way. She almost caused the friend who was tolerating her for my sake to leave her own bachelorette party with her stupid whining about how the place we were at didn't have anything she could drink on her crazy new diet (which she would not stop talking about). Even though the place did, she just didn't believe the matron of honor until she looked it up herself on her phone.This was after yelling at the bride to be for telling her to calm down when she wasn't getting along with another guest (who admittedly wasn't that likable to begin with, but that's not the point).
Now Samantha has her own wedding to look forward to, and from the way she talks, money is what she's really looking forward to. She wants to register for her honeymoon and that's fine, but she keeps talking to me about getting money, money, money from guests. Estimating how much she might get based the value amount of the gifts her sister got, and so on. Frankly after hearing it, I'm not inclined to give her any money.
Oh, and she canceled on plans two more times since my last post. I wasn't surprised. But naturally when she needed me to go dress shopping with her, she didn't cancel.
Now you have met Samantha and seen some of her shining examples of bad behavior. It paints a very nasty image, I know. But what actually makes it harder for me is there have been times she has been a really great friend. When I had "The Confrontation" with my mother (I really need to write a summary of that up for you readers), she came and picked me up and took me out and talked me through the rough parts that followed. When she went abroad she wrote to me and sent gifts, including a very special gift from a place I desperately wanted to go one day. I've been able to talk with her about my problems with NM and E-Sis and know what I say won't get back to them. We had a lot of fun as kids, too.
I'm angry. I know I have been wronged and I'm not going to take it lying down anymore. I'm going to use that energy to change how I interact with and handle Samantha, and whatever happens from there, happens. I'm hoping for a gradual drifting apart because I'm not interested a dramatic mess, and I already agreed to be a bridesmaid before I had come to all these realizations. Whatever happens though, I've got my real friends backing me up.
Samantha is the same age as me and we have known each other since we were small children. Even back then she was selfish and didn't like sharing her things while I was expected to share mine. And I did, because my NM taught me to share. She didn't teach me how to stand up for myself, although I did learn to start doing that. Anyway, she was practically my only friend, and since our parents became friends I saw her often and it's probably because of our parents that we stayed friends.
Samantha was never thin. She wasn't morbidly obese or anything, but she was never tiny like I was. She has struggled with her body image and weight for most of the time I've known her. When we were kids, she didn't like that I was so little and yet ate sweets whenever I wanted. She hoped I would get fat when I got older. That hasn't happened yet. Of course I've filled out in all the right places and I'm not a stick anymore, but I love my hour glass figure and so does DH. Sure, I have my insecurities, but over all I think I am a decently attractive human being.
So since I opened up to my friends and E-Sis about Samantha and her behavior as of late, I've learned some fascinating things. One friend (who I've talked with about NM before and has a mother way crazier than mine) has only been tolerating her for my sake, although Samantha doesn't know it. Samantha seriously damaged that relationship years ago by being a shitty friend when that friend's father was dying. Another views her as more of a friend of a friend. A newer, third friend has noticed Samantha trying to become closer with her and absolutely does not want to be closer to her; she has been down the road I'm walking with a best friend before. E-Sis, for all her faults, can be very protective of me and wanted to punch Samantha in the face the other week for making me cry.
But best of all is the things I have learned Samantha has said to other people! She has disparaged DH's degree behind my back for coming from a less prestigious university as hers. Never mind the person she told this too has a degree from the same university as DH and that's where almost everybody in my group of friends got their bachelors degrees from, including me. Never mind that her fiancee has a degree from there. Never mind that fact DH makes literally four times as much as she does and that her fancy degree has gotten her absolutely nothing. It's more worthless than a liberal arts degree, seriously. Samantha had to lie on her resume to get a fucking clerical job. But in a case of delicious irony, Samantha is going back to college to pursue a degree in the same field as DH, and even more ironic is that she may very well be going to that very same less prestigious university the rest of us went to.
I also learned the reason why my bachelorette party was so boring and lame. Apparently I "like it boring". I didn't know not wanting to get drunk off my ass and not wanting any male strippers left lame and boring as the only party option left. Yes, she told one of my other bridesmaid that it was okay, that I liked it boring. Apparently they offered to help but she claimed she knew what I wanted. Fascinating, since she never asked me anything beyond what I told her about not wanting strippers. Dinner was fine, but after that we all went back to her place and she had no food and there was nothing to do. She started having a political debate and raising her voice with another guest and had the nerve to get annoyed with me for being unhappy about it! Raised voices are a trigger for me, you see. That happens when you spend your formative years getting yelled at. But it isn't just my party, she didn't know what to do after dinner for her sister's party, either. It was a fluke somebody suggested something fun to do after dinner. Samantha can't plan things well, especially things that aren't for her. Although with what she's been saying about her wedding plans, I'm not sure she can plan things well that are for her either. Well, in all fairness the bridal showers and baby showers she's done have been very nice and gone very well. But those have an easy formula to follow.
I almost forget these gems: in her maid of honor speech, she'd had a bit much to drink, but she made a joke about having control over me and took credit for the fact DH and I started going out. The truth of the matter is I just asked her what she thought of him before I asked him out. I'd have probably done it regardless of her opinion and the reason DH and I even met was because our similar interests brought us to the same club. Also, when we were in our late teens and her boyfriend had dumped her and her "friends" ditched her, our mutual friends and I consoled her and hung out with her and cheered her up. Apparently at some point I don't recall, she said something about wanting to be with her "real friends". Guess we didn't count? No wonder my friends aren't friends with her anymore!
Samantha also whines when she doesn't like something or doesn't get her way. She almost caused the friend who was tolerating her for my sake to leave her own bachelorette party with her stupid whining about how the place we were at didn't have anything she could drink on her crazy new diet (which she would not stop talking about). Even though the place did, she just didn't believe the matron of honor until she looked it up herself on her phone.This was after yelling at the bride to be for telling her to calm down when she wasn't getting along with another guest (who admittedly wasn't that likable to begin with, but that's not the point).
Now Samantha has her own wedding to look forward to, and from the way she talks, money is what she's really looking forward to. She wants to register for her honeymoon and that's fine, but she keeps talking to me about getting money, money, money from guests. Estimating how much she might get based the value amount of the gifts her sister got, and so on. Frankly after hearing it, I'm not inclined to give her any money.
Oh, and she canceled on plans two more times since my last post. I wasn't surprised. But naturally when she needed me to go dress shopping with her, she didn't cancel.
Now you have met Samantha and seen some of her shining examples of bad behavior. It paints a very nasty image, I know. But what actually makes it harder for me is there have been times she has been a really great friend. When I had "The Confrontation" with my mother (I really need to write a summary of that up for you readers), she came and picked me up and took me out and talked me through the rough parts that followed. When she went abroad she wrote to me and sent gifts, including a very special gift from a place I desperately wanted to go one day. I've been able to talk with her about my problems with NM and E-Sis and know what I say won't get back to them. We had a lot of fun as kids, too.
I'm angry. I know I have been wronged and I'm not going to take it lying down anymore. I'm going to use that energy to change how I interact with and handle Samantha, and whatever happens from there, happens. I'm hoping for a gradual drifting apart because I'm not interested a dramatic mess, and I already agreed to be a bridesmaid before I had come to all these realizations. Whatever happens though, I've got my real friends backing me up.
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