Post Letter Analysis

Since I will not be engaging in any JADE (Thanks Quercus), I thought I'd get it out of my system by dissecting her letter here on my blog.

I was going to write an email back and respond point to point, but after reading it all again I don't feel that it's necessary. [But I'm going to do it anyway for the rest of the letter]

I want to point out just a few things that I felt were an attack on my character which were harsh, unfair, and untrue [See? Just like I said she would!]: I would never say that about [DH]'s degree, especially since [her fiancee] has almost the same degree from the same institution, and I think both of them are extremely intelligent; also as I'm looking to go to that school, I don't think that there is anything wrong with it.[Yeah, now that you're thinking of going there. I hope they don't let you in.

I do not think you are boring and have never called you boring, and I would not share thoughts like that with people who are our mutual friends because that would be rude.  [Really? Because not one, but two people heard you say it.]

I don't know where this rumor about the math started, but I find it extremely offensive.  I have never ever lied about anything like that - my mother taught me to be an honest and trustworthy person and I would never do anything like that, especially not with other people's money.  You guys always entrusted me to work out the bill, and if there was ever an issue it was purely by mistake.  [Really? You still owe us $100, but you claim to have paid it. We decided it was too much trouble to argue with you about it since we were friends and all.]

The fact that you can even think that about me really shows how I was wrong about what you knew about me. [Yeah, you were wrong about what I knew about you. You thought I didn't know any of this shit and never would.]

The fact that all these things you mentioned are what people have said they thought about me, and you don't trust me at all over them - you take their word over mine, shows me how you feel about me as a friend.[Yes, how dare I believe somebody besides you. You, who couldn't even keep the promise you made to me to get your cholesterol checked when you went in for your physical exam. You who in the next lines will be lying through your fucking teeth. Please, tell me why I should trust you again? When you're willing to talk about our friend's weight behind their back to me, why shouldn't I believe you'd talk about me behind my back, too?]

 As for leaving you for an acquaintance, the only time I remember cancelling plans with you was to hang out with my sister when she was dealing with post-partem depression.  [Really? I have messages that state otherwise. Something about how you wouldn't be able to see her on her birthday Saturday so you were going to have lunch with her instead of keeping your plans with me. But I didn't even bring that up, you did. And you completely ignored the documented example I gave you.]

And to comment on my relationship with [her fiancee] seems out of line - everyone has their quirks with their significant other, including you - and I have never made a comment no them because it was not my place.  [Attacking the example, not what it represented. I told her she reacts poorly to criticism, for example she yells her her fiancee when he tries to correct her form when working out. She completely missed the point.]

I didn't realize you had so much built up against me - I had assumed that if you had anything you would talk to me about it. [Yes, I should have talked to her sooner. But that doesn't give her a free pass for her poor behavior. That is my share and I own it.]

 To blame me in this situation for being not easy to talk to is simply you guys passing off any responsibility on to me. [Wasn't blaming you for it, just stating a fact. I was talking to you now about it, quite reasonably too, and look what your responded with.

No one has tried to talk to me since that time a long time ago, and I have changed quite a bit since then. So to blame me being confrontational is simply hiding behind all of you not wanting to come out and say it, but all discuss it among yourselves. [Trying now. You haven't changed much at all, honestly. And yeah, you might want to consider how you being confrontational affects how people treat you.]

I never considered you a back up option, and I assumed you would understand that I had less time as we got older and things were finally going the right way for me. [So things weren't going to right way for you before? What does that say about us then? It isn't about how much time you spend with me or the rest of us, but the way you act and the way you bail on us.]

That's all I have to say.  As you were so negative in your email with all of your "I will not" and "I won't stand for", I'll do the same.  [I was telling you my boundaries. If you can't handle them, that's your problem. Not mine.]

I will not let what happened last time happen this time. [Really? And what happened last time? I recall everything worked out and we all were able to get along again.]

You tell me how I can get back into everyone's good graces? It's your terms or nothing?  There are guidelines and parameters that I have to abide by? [All I told you was to talk to them. I can't imagine how you expect anything to change if you sit around and do nothing. And I only told you what I would and would not tolerate and that I wouldn't be your middle man anymore.]

 I am your best friend, or so I thought, and I thought I was on equal footing.  I didn't know it was your rules or nothing.  I didn't know I didn't get a say. [Equal footing doesn't mean no boundaries. Equal footing means respecting each other's boundaries. Blind loyalty is not equal footing and you clearly expected blind loyalty from me judging by how outraged you are I believed what others said.]

If you feel so indifferent about our friendship that you can say this is how it will be, take it or leave it... then I suppose I thought we were something different than we are.  I will not just go only by your rules, I thought we were equals in this relationship and I thought we both had a say, that there would be compromise - not just me following what you want.  So if it really is your way or the highway, I feel like with that attitude you are pushing me toward the highway. [Sounds more like your way or the highway. I told you we could talk, even get the group together. But you don't seem interested. If your rules our blind loyalty and putting up with your abuse, then please, get on that highway and don't come back.]

I would really not like to end over 20 years of friendship, but if everything you listed in your past email is really how you see me, then we obviously have not been the friends I thought we were all this time. [Sounds to me like you only value the length of time we've been friends. I was honest and authentic in my e-mail to you. If anything, you are not the person I used to think you were. We literally have nothing in common but the past.]

You may feel however you feel.  I still cherish our friendship, and I still love you.  If you feel like you no longer want that, then that is your choice and I accept whatever decision you make. [Thanks for permission. However the choice was yours, despite what you say here, and you've already made it. You already made the choice to end this friendship when you sent this e-mail. And you don't love me, you are confusing love and need. You need me. You need me a hell of a lot more than I need you, and this is gonna hurt you a lot more than it hurts me. I know how insecure you are, and you're losing a rock you've held onto for 20 years now. Let's see how well you swim without me.]

This is the draft of the last letter I intend to ever send her:

Thank you for proving my points for me and for attempting to violate every healthy boundary I have established. I didn't talk to you sooner, and that is my fault. I own that, but it does not excuse your behavior, especially now. My door is always open if you are ever willing to respect my boundaries, to take responsibility for your actions, to own your share in this, and to be honest. In the meantime, please return the spare keys to my apartment, my book [Title], our [cooking object, and if you happen to be the one who still has it, my sister’s book [Title]

Also, [another friend] had given me the book he borrowed from you to return for him on the Friday before last, but I accidentally left it at [FRIEND B]'s. I can retrieve it for you, or if you like, you may contact them directly.

If you no longer wish to involve me in your wedding, I will respect your decision and will not be offended.

Thank you,
[Adela Alba]

That's it, except maybe to arrange the return of my things and her book, that's the last communication I plan on responding to. I expect some rage or backpedaling in the near future when I send my response. Any further response will be met either with silence or a broken record version of this final letter. Right now I am letting her stew in her own juices for a bit and enjoying a swift move from karma. Her car was broken into and trashed by people looking for high end speakers that weren't there. They even cut her seat belt. Can't say I feel sorry for her though.