Post Letter Analysis

Since I will not be engaging in any JADE (Thanks Quercus), I thought I'd get it out of my system by dissecting her letter here on my blog.

I was going to write an email back and respond point to point, but after reading it all again I don't feel that it's necessary. [But I'm going to do it anyway for the rest of the letter]

I want to point out just a few things that I felt were an attack on my character which were harsh, unfair, and untrue [See? Just like I said she would!]: I would never say that about [DH]'s degree, especially since [her fiancee] has almost the same degree from the same institution, and I think both of them are extremely intelligent; also as I'm looking to go to that school, I don't think that there is anything wrong with it.[Yeah, now that you're thinking of going there. I hope they don't let you in.

I do not think you are boring and have never called you boring, and I would not share thoughts like that with people who are our mutual friends because that would be rude.  [Really? Because not one, but two people heard you say it.]

I don't know where this rumor about the math started, but I find it extremely offensive.  I have never ever lied about anything like that - my mother taught me to be an honest and trustworthy person and I would never do anything like that, especially not with other people's money.  You guys always entrusted me to work out the bill, and if there was ever an issue it was purely by mistake.  [Really? You still owe us $100, but you claim to have paid it. We decided it was too much trouble to argue with you about it since we were friends and all.]

The fact that you can even think that about me really shows how I was wrong about what you knew about me. [Yeah, you were wrong about what I knew about you. You thought I didn't know any of this shit and never would.]

The fact that all these things you mentioned are what people have said they thought about me, and you don't trust me at all over them - you take their word over mine, shows me how you feel about me as a friend.[Yes, how dare I believe somebody besides you. You, who couldn't even keep the promise you made to me to get your cholesterol checked when you went in for your physical exam. You who in the next lines will be lying through your fucking teeth. Please, tell me why I should trust you again? When you're willing to talk about our friend's weight behind their back to me, why shouldn't I believe you'd talk about me behind my back, too?]

 As for leaving you for an acquaintance, the only time I remember cancelling plans with you was to hang out with my sister when she was dealing with post-partem depression.  [Really? I have messages that state otherwise. Something about how you wouldn't be able to see her on her birthday Saturday so you were going to have lunch with her instead of keeping your plans with me. But I didn't even bring that up, you did. And you completely ignored the documented example I gave you.]

And to comment on my relationship with [her fiancee] seems out of line - everyone has their quirks with their significant other, including you - and I have never made a comment no them because it was not my place.  [Attacking the example, not what it represented. I told her she reacts poorly to criticism, for example she yells her her fiancee when he tries to correct her form when working out. She completely missed the point.]

I didn't realize you had so much built up against me - I had assumed that if you had anything you would talk to me about it. [Yes, I should have talked to her sooner. But that doesn't give her a free pass for her poor behavior. That is my share and I own it.]

 To blame me in this situation for being not easy to talk to is simply you guys passing off any responsibility on to me. [Wasn't blaming you for it, just stating a fact. I was talking to you now about it, quite reasonably too, and look what your responded with.

No one has tried to talk to me since that time a long time ago, and I have changed quite a bit since then. So to blame me being confrontational is simply hiding behind all of you not wanting to come out and say it, but all discuss it among yourselves. [Trying now. You haven't changed much at all, honestly. And yeah, you might want to consider how you being confrontational affects how people treat you.]

I never considered you a back up option, and I assumed you would understand that I had less time as we got older and things were finally going the right way for me. [So things weren't going to right way for you before? What does that say about us then? It isn't about how much time you spend with me or the rest of us, but the way you act and the way you bail on us.]

That's all I have to say.  As you were so negative in your email with all of your "I will not" and "I won't stand for", I'll do the same.  [I was telling you my boundaries. If you can't handle them, that's your problem. Not mine.]

I will not let what happened last time happen this time. [Really? And what happened last time? I recall everything worked out and we all were able to get along again.]

You tell me how I can get back into everyone's good graces? It's your terms or nothing?  There are guidelines and parameters that I have to abide by? [All I told you was to talk to them. I can't imagine how you expect anything to change if you sit around and do nothing. And I only told you what I would and would not tolerate and that I wouldn't be your middle man anymore.]

 I am your best friend, or so I thought, and I thought I was on equal footing.  I didn't know it was your rules or nothing.  I didn't know I didn't get a say. [Equal footing doesn't mean no boundaries. Equal footing means respecting each other's boundaries. Blind loyalty is not equal footing and you clearly expected blind loyalty from me judging by how outraged you are I believed what others said.]

If you feel so indifferent about our friendship that you can say this is how it will be, take it or leave it... then I suppose I thought we were something different than we are.  I will not just go only by your rules, I thought we were equals in this relationship and I thought we both had a say, that there would be compromise - not just me following what you want.  So if it really is your way or the highway, I feel like with that attitude you are pushing me toward the highway. [Sounds more like your way or the highway. I told you we could talk, even get the group together. But you don't seem interested. If your rules our blind loyalty and putting up with your abuse, then please, get on that highway and don't come back.]

I would really not like to end over 20 years of friendship, but if everything you listed in your past email is really how you see me, then we obviously have not been the friends I thought we were all this time. [Sounds to me like you only value the length of time we've been friends. I was honest and authentic in my e-mail to you. If anything, you are not the person I used to think you were. We literally have nothing in common but the past.]

You may feel however you feel.  I still cherish our friendship, and I still love you.  If you feel like you no longer want that, then that is your choice and I accept whatever decision you make. [Thanks for permission. However the choice was yours, despite what you say here, and you've already made it. You already made the choice to end this friendship when you sent this e-mail. And you don't love me, you are confusing love and need. You need me. You need me a hell of a lot more than I need you, and this is gonna hurt you a lot more than it hurts me. I know how insecure you are, and you're losing a rock you've held onto for 20 years now. Let's see how well you swim without me.]

This is the draft of the last letter I intend to ever send her:

Thank you for proving my points for me and for attempting to violate every healthy boundary I have established. I didn't talk to you sooner, and that is my fault. I own that, but it does not excuse your behavior, especially now. My door is always open if you are ever willing to respect my boundaries, to take responsibility for your actions, to own your share in this, and to be honest. In the meantime, please return the spare keys to my apartment, my book [Title], our [cooking object, and if you happen to be the one who still has it, my sister’s book [Title]

Also, [another friend] had given me the book he borrowed from you to return for him on the Friday before last, but I accidentally left it at [FRIEND B]'s. I can retrieve it for you, or if you like, you may contact them directly.

If you no longer wish to involve me in your wedding, I will respect your decision and will not be offended.

Thank you,
[Adela Alba]

That's it, except maybe to arrange the return of my things and her book, that's the last communication I plan on responding to. I expect some rage or backpedaling in the near future when I send my response. Any further response will be met either with silence or a broken record version of this final letter. Right now I am letting her stew in her own juices for a bit and enjoying a swift move from karma. Her car was broken into and trashed by people looking for high end speakers that weren't there. They even cut her seat belt. Can't say I feel sorry for her though.

Narcissists Are Like Cockroaches

For every one narcissist you find in your life, there are dozens more you just haven't seen yet. Well, maybe not that many, but if you have one, you usually find another or so. Having been raised them, we seem to attract them to us in other areas of our lives. They are drawn to us, and we are drawn to them until we learn better. Although it was probably just bad luck that landed me a narcissistic neighbor, but I digress.

I write this because I have now realized my best friend, who I mentioned bailing on plans with me in my last post, has significant narcissistic traits. I wouldn't go so far as to say she has a full blown personality disorder (yet), but she is definitely a very selfish and opinionated person. These negative traits are being magnified by her current unhealthy fad diet, which is adversely affecting her serotonin levels. Serotonin being that wonderful neurotransmitter that not only helps regulate mood, but also appetite, sleep, and even bone mass. Basically she has lost the ability to regulate her negative traits, which were only a minor nuisance to me previously. Then again, perhaps they were only minor back then because I lacked insight into myself and my NM?

But it isn't just me seeing this. Her behavior has been irritating all our other mutual friends, and more so than usual in those who I have learned tolerated her only for my sake all along. They provided a fascinating and enlightening third party perspective on my relationship with my best friend. I am a much stronger person today than I ever was in the past, so I can face and accept the truth. My best friend has always taken more than she has given, and I let her get away with it. I just couldn't see it until now. Although it was much milder and more subtle before she started her crazy diet; there would be eye-rolling, will-she-ever-shut-up moments, but none of this severe stuff that made me dislike her and actively not want to see her or be friends anymore.

I'm not going to just cut her out of my life though, we have a long shared history that can't be replaced, and I know her better than anyone else. I know just how insecure she is, just how much she hates herself. I know that each and every put down, every piece of snide, irritating, or opinionated bullshit that has comes out of her mouth is just a pathetic attempt to make her feel better about herself, to fill that emptiness she feels inside. But I also remember the past year or so she was doing really well, growing up and managing her faults better. I hope maybe someday she will be that person again. So I will simply change how I engage her, lower how valuable her friendship is to me and the esteem I hold her in. How she behaves is up to her, but ultimately I expect a gradual growing apart that will be cemented by her if she ever moves out of state like she wants to do.

Too bad I realized all this shit before I agreed to be bridesmaid in her wedding next year. I sense an impending bridezilla.

The Point Where Communication Will Always Fail

Attempts to communicate in an honest and sincere manner with a narcissistic inevitably will break down or shut down. There is, I believe, an exact point where the communication break/shut down will always occur. It may occur any time before this point, but if it hasn't already occurred, it will at this specific point. This is because what narcissists are literally incapable of what is required at that point to continue honest, open, and sincere dialogue. The cunning may feign possessing it in an attempt to control and manipulate, and some may be indeed be deceived, but it is no longer honest communication, ergo, even when the illusion of real communication is present, the reality of the matter is that communication has broken or shut down.

What is this magic breaking point, you ask? It is the exact moment you ask them to consider a perspective different from their own. This is literally an impossible task for them, just like it is for small children. The comparisons of narcissists to young children that many make are not exaggerations. Both narcissists and small children are egocentric. As such, they cannot possess empathy or take different perspectives. Children in theory grow out of this and learn empathy and understanding. I don't know if narcissists simply carry their egocentricity of childhood with them into adulthood, or develop it later, or if something else entirely causes it, but the egocentric adult is clearly lacking in the empathy and understanding department.

What does it mean to take another person's perspective, though? It's not to literally look through their eyes, and besides, most people can at least understand that they'll see different things if they are standing on different sides of a table. It is the ability to appreciate or respect the subjective experience of another person, even if it is different from your own subjective experience. I say "subjective" experience, because by default all experiences you have are filtered through your genetics, your past experiences, your mind set when experiencing something, and so on. Take taste for example. Some people love the taste of cilantro, some people absolutely hate it. Neither of them are wrong, it's simply subjective.

To the narcissist though, only their experience is right and it is the only experience that is real. It is the only experience anyone can have in their world. All others are false. All other experiences by other people are lies, delusions, misremembered, or are otherwise invalid. When you ask your narcissist parent to listen to your perspective, and how you felt unloved and terrified as a child, they cannot even concede that you might have had a different experience than they did. You are wrong and are not entitled to any thoughts or feelings based on such false experiences. Any thoughts or feelings that come from those false experiences are also false! And so all meaningful communication breaks down when you ask the narcissist even imagine what it's like to walk in your shoes. They can't, the only shoes that exist in their world are their own. They are completely incapable of doing what is necessary to continue healthy dialogue.

I do not doubt that my mother experienced herself as a very loving and devoted parent, that she experienced herself as loving and caring. She felt herself giving me love, and probably still does. And that's her experience, she's entitled to it and I won't deny it. But it isn't mine, and it isn't what I lived with and continue to live with. I carry it with me every day. I did not experience her as loving and caring, but often as terrifying. I will not say she didn't love me (invalidating her experience), but that I did not feel loved (my personal experience). However, I can accept that her experience wasn't mine, and when I confronted her I didn't even ask for apologies, only that she accept my experience was different, and that just because it wasn't the same as hers didn't mean it and everything that went with it was wrong.

She couldn't even lie, couldn't even pretend to acknowledge me and my experiences. Being right, being able to play the victim, the persecuted martyr, was too important to her, I guess. Although in all fairness I myself struggle with a narcissistic need to be right (probably because for so much of my life I was told I was wrong, wrong, wrong that I desperately want to be right). Though it's a flaw I'm aware of now and am working on, unlike my NM.