What Narcs Hate the Most

I mentioned in Narcissists Are Like Cockroaches that I happen to have a narcissistic neighbor. Between dealing with her, my mother, and Samantha, and reading the blogs in our community here I have come to believe there is one thing narcissists can't stand above all else.

It's not being called out for their behavior, it's not being proven wrong. What they seem to hate the most, what eats them up from the inside, I think, is being silenced. This is why No Contact drives them to extremes and they constantly try to find ways around it. They feel that people have to listen to them, that they are entitled above all else to have their say. Everyone is apparently entitled to the narcissist's opinion whether they want it or not. It's why my NM has gotten so pissed on the few occasions I hung up on her or that time I didn't answer and she called my DH. It's why Samantha refused to answer if I was still in the wedding party or not; she desperately needed something to use to keep the communications opened. Of course, that didn't work. I just assumed I was out and didn't keep asking her to verify.

Which brings me to my neighbor. After DH and I have finally gotten management to resolve an ongoing issue she was causing, my neighbor has taken to being hostile toward us on the rare occasions our paths cross. Before that she had always been polite, although annoying. But last night she arrived at our door swearing and complaining we make noise every night. This is of course absurd, especially given we spent most of last week at the hospital caring for DH's mother after a routine surgery. I would stay there from morning to evening, and then DH would take over until around 10 PM. He'd come home and we'd go straight to bed, exhausted.

Anyway, just before 11 PM last night she came knocking on our door and DH answered and I was nearby. The hostile way she was acting and talking to him caused him shut down, as it reminded him of his mother and his childhood. His mother wasn't a narcissist, but was abusive when he was growing up. But I digress.

I've put up with a lot of crap in my life and I can still tolerate a lot of shit. But I have my limits and I have things that set me off. One of those is when you target my loved ones. Do it to me? Sure, fine, whatever, I can take it. But when you go after somebody I love, well, that's a different story. Coming to my door and swearing at us while making exaggerated accusations is something I won't stand for these days. In the past I would have stood there waiting for her to finish and go away, then been angry afterward. Today though I am much better and enforcing my boundaries. I feel pretty proud of how I handled things. Often a ruminate over these things and think of what I could have done differently, or done better. Not this time!

What happened is a deathly calm came over me. There was anger, ridiculously calm. I slipped in from the side, placing an arm on the open door between her and DH and started closing it slowly and quietly as she went on and I told her politely to call management, nodding as she was making threats to do so. She really should have done that in the first place if she had a problem instead of trying to bully and pretend like sparing us from management was some kind of magnanimous favor she was giving us in spite of our horrible transgressions against her. Anyway, I was calm, cool, collected. It was smooth, I was smooth. I heard her storm away down the hall and I knew she was pissed. How dare I, at least two or three decades younger than her no less, deprive her of her divine right to tell everyone what for! To be silenced is a fate worse than death to the narcissist. As they have no true sense of self, when you take away their access to you as their mirror it's like you have literally destroyed a part of them.

Of course then my blood pressure spiked afterwards as it really sank in what an audacious boundary violation the whole thing was and just how distressed she had made my DH. That's the anger I'm more familiar with. The deathly calm, extremely productive anger isn't yet something I can call upon at will. Still, anger is a warning something isn't right and also energy to act on or change the wrong if you can just tap into it the right way. And that's exactly what I did. I protected my loved one without becoming aggressive- I was able to be assertive and enforce my boundaries in the face of a narcissistic rage.

I have already spoken to management this morning and in my book this issue is resolved. However, in the event my neighbor refuses to cease coming to our door and/or being vulgar to us as per management's instruction, I've already looked up the paperwork I need to file for a restraining order. My bite is way worse than my bark.

Game Over, Samantha

So, Samantha called yesterday at a time she knew I wouldn't able to answer and left voice mail asking about meeting with me in person, because e-mails just aren't a good way to communicate and it's better to talk in person, blah, blah, blah. Her voice was very flat, in fact, it sounded as if she was trying to fake being down, or perhaps was being forced to do something she didn't want to.

Foolish me agreed to meet with her this Friday. I sent her this:

I wasn't sure when I saw [her fiancee] what I wanted to do so I didn't talk to him about meeting you, and since it's rather late to be sending text messages or calling, e-mail it is for the moment. I've thought about it, and feel that I said everything I wanted/needed to in my last e-mail. However it seems you've got more to say and as long as it isn't just a rehash of your last e-mail to me I'm willing to listen. [emphasis added]

I suggest we meet some place neutral. I'd prefer some place nearby that I can reach by walking or hopping the bus down [Street Name] Starbucks, [Local restaurant], [Local restaurant], or something like that. Anyway, just give me a time and place and I'll be there.

This is what I got back:

Yes, I would like to meet. And I feel it's best if we both go in there with open minds and not just assuming we know what the other will say.  I think this is extremely important, and I would hope you thought so too.  If you come unwilling to listen to what I say (and same goes for me listening to you) then we won't get anywhere.  I think it's important to understand that now. [emphasis added]

How does [Local restaurant] at 1pm tomorrow afternoon sound?

I noticed immediately how she wasn't listening to what I said. I said I was willing to listen, as long as she had something new to say. I read her e-mail, I don't need to hear the same bullshit in person from her. But what does she do? Directly ignores my willingness to listen, starts preaching about open minds and not making assumptions. Doesn't say a word as to if she has something besides her previous e-mail to discuss. She just equivocates about it, trying to get me to have an "open mind" so she can be all wounded when I don't want to hear the same bullshit from her e-mail again. Meeting's off. I am so not playing this game with her. So a revised version of the last letter I plan on sending her was dispatched.

In view of your equivocating response, it seems to me you have no intention of taking responsibility for your recent behavior. If you try to dance around my boundaries in e-mail, I cannot trust you to respect them in person either. I have no assumptions, only what I am willing and not willing to listen to regarding this matter; and I am not willing to listen to your last e-mail again, in person. If that is all you want to do, if you cannot commit to more than just repeating yourself, then we have nothing discuss.

I said I was willing to listen, if you had something new to say, and you completely ignore that and talk about assumptions and having an open mind instead of addressing the matter directly. It makes me doubtful of your intentions; you are not listening to me now and I do not feel like you are interested in listening to me at all in person either. I feel like you want to get me alone to verbally beat me into submission and that is not a position I am willing to put myself in. I am no longer comfortable with meeting you tomorrow.

So, thank you for proving my points for me and for attempting to violate every healthy boundary I have established. I didn't talk to you sooner on my own behalf, that is my fault and I am sorry for it. I own that, but it does not excuse your own behavior. My door is always open if you are ever willing to respect my boundaries, to take responsibility for your actions, to own your share in this, and to be honest. However, you do not sound ready for this in either your voice mail or your latest response. If you ever are ready, understand that I will not be able to meet with you alone.

Please return the spare keys to my apartment, my book “[Title]”, our pizza stone, and if you happen to be the one who still has it, my sister’s book “[Title.” You are still welcome to work out with [her fiancee] in our gym if you are comfortable, as it would be unfair to exclude you from working out with your fiancée if he wants to keep working out [DH].

Also, [person] had given me the book he borrowed from you to return for him on the Friday before last, but I accidentally left it at [Friend B]'s. I can retrieve it for you, or if you like, you may contact them directly.

If you no longer wish to involve me in your wedding, I understand. I will respect your decision and will not be offended.

Thank you,
[Adela Alba]

Waiting for the rest of the shit to hit the fan. If she won't make up her mind on if I'm in or out of the wedding before the end of the month, then I will make up her mind for her by officially withdrawing. The only way to win is to not play the game.

Game over, bitch.