Thursday, August 9, 2012

Hair and Delayed Reactions

So I've been quiet lately and way behind on the blogs I read. I recently went off birth control and my body is going a little crazy readjusting. And then I found out I had bad knees that will eventually cause me more problems than they are right now. I thought they were just strained from over use, but no, turns out I have defects in my femurs and my knee caps are angled instead of straight. So I've been moody and depressed. But otherwise, there isn't anything exciting going on in my life and no new developments with NM.

However, I'm planning to get my hair cut and a new hair style. This is a big thing for me. My hair has been virtually unchanged since I was little and my mother decided it was too much work to keep the bangs/fringe trimmed because my hair grew so fast. It's not that NM never gave me the option to change it when I was in grade school and onward, but I simply didn't know what to do with my hair. So it's always just been long (often uneven at the ends because I almost never get it trimmed), and parted one way or another. I didn't even know there were hair style options that were wash and wear besides long and simple.

NM knows how to do her hair, but she wasn't inclined to teach me. She was only interested in braiding my hair because she liked to (and complains now how I often wouldn't let her). She'd buy E-Sis and I curling irons and curlers, but were clueless about how to actually use them and she didn't show us how to. For the longest time all I knew about blow drying my hair was flipping it upside and zapping it until it was dry (and ugly). I still don't know how to use a curling iron or curlers, though I'm interesting in learning now. It literally was not until this year that learned how to use a round brush to dry my hair straight and neatly.

Still, I'm a wash and wear kind of gal. I don't want to have to get up extra early to do my hair. So at dinner I was talking with a much more hair and fashion savvy friend about what would be a good hair style for me, and telling her how I was anxious and that changing it was a big deal for me. I almost wanted to cry just talking about it. I'm anxious because I don't know how a new hair style will look and I want to pick something that will look nice and that I will like. I don't want to be stuck waiting for something ugly to grow back out. And then E-Sis, who cares nothing about her appearance and has no sense of empathy, decides to chime in, saying to just not do anything drastic to my hair. I tell her when it's been unchanged for a decade or two, any change is big change, any change is drastic. Then at one point, she tells our friend that I'm "afraid of change."

Which brings me to delayed reaction part of this post. The woman who has never moved out of her parents home has the nerve to tell me that I'm afraid of change? Me, who has moved out, married, and traveled out of the country, is afraid of change? But I didn't react to that at all until DH and I left and he mentioned it. It would have hit me the next day on my own, he just sped up the process. Anyway, I seem to have delayed reaction to things that should make me angry or hurt. It's like I don't notice it right away, not until I examine things after the fact. Obliviously I smile and nod until later I realize that I'm offended. I don't know why it happens.

Perfect example: the other day a friend cancelled plans for this weekend that were made two weeks ago, because there's a surprise birthday party for a friend. Then she explains yesterday its for a person she's trying to become with friends with!? I was all like "Okay, cool" but today I realized that really stings! I could have done without my friend giving me that much detail about the reason. So becoming friends with that person is more important than honoring a prior engagement with an older friend? What am I, second string? Sure, Adela has and will always be there, right?  She'll be the fallback when you've got nothing else going on? She won't mind, she's always so accommodating!

Well not anymore, that's going on your permanent record, friend. Next time something like this happens I won't be so accommodating and I'll call you out your rudeness.

5 comments:

  1. Sounds like DH is right on top of the dynamics, and good for him. Yk, we become so accustomed to stuff we truly don't realize how offensive it is because our bar/boundary for being rightfully offended is either non-exisant or set so low a lab rat can see over the top without a problem-or any exertion to step over it. Your "fiend" who dumped you for the "Surprise Party?" Surprise! She has just lost YOU as a shoulder to climb on top of as she social climbs her way to a "better deal." You're not a vehicle to be "traded in" when a newer, shinier model comes along. Buh-bye, baby.
    The hair conundrum. Hmm. Well, believe it or not any number of salons can actually show you how you'd look with a variety of different styles (not to mention colors!!) thanks to the technology and 'puters available now. Yes, you can actually "try on" different styles right there in the salon. And yes, changing styles IS a big deal. So would you be willing to look for a salon that has this technology and go in for a consult first? Generally, the consult is free or a minimal charge. You have ample opportunity to "try on," ask a zillion questions about your hair type, maintenance required for the style etc. A really good stylist loves doing this kind of consult-it's exciting/stimulating for them as well. And it'll do wonders for the anxiety and decision making process.
    TW

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    1. DH is a lifesaver! And you're right, I think that's definitely it. At least I have enough boundary now to realize I'm offended after the fact, hopefully I can learn when that boundary has been crossed immediately instead of having to reexamine events afterward.

      I just went into angry mode once I started telling DH about my friend. I was just telling him how it's like "Oh, something better has come along, bye!" and crap. Like I said, this is going on her permanent record and if it keeps up there will be words.

      I've gotten some recommendations for stylists, although I'm wondering if maybe I should seek out my own. I'll figure it out. Researching things is one of my favorite activities, lol.

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  2. Yay for the hair change! I agree with TW, check out styles first, and also, if you have a stylist or hairdresser whom you trust, you can ask them, about anything you are interested in, they can suggest styles for you. You can first try a bit longer style, and if for some reason you don't like it you can still go again and try a shorter one ;)

    I have also asked myself why I just nod and smile when someone hurts or offends me, and only after 'reality hits' I start feeling hurt and sad. Maybe it is also something that NMs planted into us: only noticing that they are hitting you with a (mental) baseball bat when you are already crawling on the floor.

    For your friend: I know how much it can hurt. I've recently lost a friend for 'someone else'.
    Don't let her do this to you. If you meet next time, try to tell her that she has hurt your feelings.

    :hugs:

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  3. I "see" a dedicated researcher-that's what I figured you'd do. ;) And yeah, hair IS a big deal in any event but it seems to me when you grow up in a Narc Family System where "Appearances" are EVERYTHING, it's really anxiety-provoking.
    Try to explain THAT to someone who grew up in a non-ClusterB/Narc Family System: They're not gonna get it at all. In their view, it's no biggie. To us, it's an agonizing decision/conundrum. What should actually be (dare I say the word?) fun and something other people do regularly (HOW do they DO that?) for us becomes down-right scary.
    TW

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  4. I hear you! Hair is a big deal for N's, but mostly OTHER peoples hair seems to drive the emotion train of control for them. I am sure your hair will look wonderful and will be a very freeing experience for you. I too have delayed reactions when someone does something insulting. I let people dishonor me for so long it takes a while to realize that I don't deserve to be treated that way. So, once I realize it, it goes under "mental note to self" about that person. They don't get 100% of me after that because I 'get it'.

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