It Began Before I Was Born

Dysfunctional (i.e., abusive) patterns of relating are often passed down from generation to generation. The pattern may be the same as the parent experienced from their parents, or it may swing in the opposite direction. For example, a child who was smothered and not allowed room to separate and be independent may repeat the behavior with their own children, or they may push their child toward separation and independence before the child is developmentally ready. They may make strides toward somewhat healthier, albeit still dysfunctional patterns. It is of course also possible for them to overcome their upbringing and engage in healthy patterns of relating with their children. However, such change usually does not occur without some kind of intervention (such as therapy) or serious insight into the self.

So as the title of the post implies, my journey began before I was born. The starting point was set by the mothers and daughters who came before me. I know far enough back in my family history to know it at least began with my great, great grandmother. She had slaves to order around and do her bidding without daring to talk back. Of course that all fell through with Civil War. So her children and her grandchildren became the next best thing. It was perfectly acceptable back then treat youngsters in such dysfunctional ways.

My grandmother was nowhere near as domineering and terrible as her grandmother was, or at least that's my understanding of things. But to be honest, there is a lot I do not know about my grandmother or her and NM's relationship. I know there was cleaning, sewing, cooking, and other such things expected of NM and her sisters. I know my grandmother spanked her children. I know NM got slapped or had her mouth washed out with soap for some of the things she said. I know my grandmother pointed out and criticized certain things about NM. I know she was very controlling of children's appearance. I know there was conflict between them. I know NM moved out of the house when she was a teenager.

Yet I would hear NM praising my grandmother, to me and when she was on the phone with her. NM admired/idealized her in what seemed a strange way to me. Thanking her for putting up with the things she did, claiming to appreciate things my grandmother did now that she was older/wiser, and so on. It's hard to convey what made the way she did this strange and unusual. I think it was total admiration/idealization NM displayed toward her mother, contrasted severely with the things NM did tell me about her youth and my grandmother. Perhaps denial is part of how NM deals with her own unmet childhood needs and trauma.

I will never know the whole story, or even other sides of it; my grandmother passed away when I was a teenager and NM estranged herself (and me) from her sisters and brother. Ironically, she is able to see their pathological behaviors but not her own. I've have had many discussions with her about her siblings and I am repeatedly amazed at how she can see in them the very things I see in her, while seeming to be completely unaware she possesses the same or similar problems. Never the less, I have enough information to convince me that NM experienced a dysfunctional pattern of relating. And I know from my own experiences she had and continues to have a dysfunctional pattern of relating with me.