Game Over, Samantha

So, Samantha called yesterday at a time she knew I wouldn't able to answer and left voice mail asking about meeting with me in person, because e-mails just aren't a good way to communicate and it's better to talk in person, blah, blah, blah. Her voice was very flat, in fact, it sounded as if she was trying to fake being down, or perhaps was being forced to do something she didn't want to.

Foolish me agreed to meet with her this Friday. I sent her this:

I wasn't sure when I saw [her fiancee] what I wanted to do so I didn't talk to him about meeting you, and since it's rather late to be sending text messages or calling, e-mail it is for the moment. I've thought about it, and feel that I said everything I wanted/needed to in my last e-mail. However it seems you've got more to say and as long as it isn't just a rehash of your last e-mail to me I'm willing to listen. [emphasis added]

I suggest we meet some place neutral. I'd prefer some place nearby that I can reach by walking or hopping the bus down [Street Name] Starbucks, [Local restaurant], [Local restaurant], or something like that. Anyway, just give me a time and place and I'll be there.

This is what I got back:

Yes, I would like to meet. And I feel it's best if we both go in there with open minds and not just assuming we know what the other will say.  I think this is extremely important, and I would hope you thought so too.  If you come unwilling to listen to what I say (and same goes for me listening to you) then we won't get anywhere.  I think it's important to understand that now. [emphasis added]

How does [Local restaurant] at 1pm tomorrow afternoon sound?

I noticed immediately how she wasn't listening to what I said. I said I was willing to listen, as long as she had something new to say. I read her e-mail, I don't need to hear the same bullshit in person from her. But what does she do? Directly ignores my willingness to listen, starts preaching about open minds and not making assumptions. Doesn't say a word as to if she has something besides her previous e-mail to discuss. She just equivocates about it, trying to get me to have an "open mind" so she can be all wounded when I don't want to hear the same bullshit from her e-mail again. Meeting's off. I am so not playing this game with her. So a revised version of the last letter I plan on sending her was dispatched.

In view of your equivocating response, it seems to me you have no intention of taking responsibility for your recent behavior. If you try to dance around my boundaries in e-mail, I cannot trust you to respect them in person either. I have no assumptions, only what I am willing and not willing to listen to regarding this matter; and I am not willing to listen to your last e-mail again, in person. If that is all you want to do, if you cannot commit to more than just repeating yourself, then we have nothing discuss.

I said I was willing to listen, if you had something new to say, and you completely ignore that and talk about assumptions and having an open mind instead of addressing the matter directly. It makes me doubtful of your intentions; you are not listening to me now and I do not feel like you are interested in listening to me at all in person either. I feel like you want to get me alone to verbally beat me into submission and that is not a position I am willing to put myself in. I am no longer comfortable with meeting you tomorrow.

So, thank you for proving my points for me and for attempting to violate every healthy boundary I have established. I didn't talk to you sooner on my own behalf, that is my fault and I am sorry for it. I own that, but it does not excuse your own behavior. My door is always open if you are ever willing to respect my boundaries, to take responsibility for your actions, to own your share in this, and to be honest. However, you do not sound ready for this in either your voice mail or your latest response. If you ever are ready, understand that I will not be able to meet with you alone.

Please return the spare keys to my apartment, my book “[Title]”, our pizza stone, and if you happen to be the one who still has it, my sister’s book “[Title.” You are still welcome to work out with [her fiancee] in our gym if you are comfortable, as it would be unfair to exclude you from working out with your fiancée if he wants to keep working out [DH].

Also, [person] had given me the book he borrowed from you to return for him on the Friday before last, but I accidentally left it at [Friend B]'s. I can retrieve it for you, or if you like, you may contact them directly.

If you no longer wish to involve me in your wedding, I understand. I will respect your decision and will not be offended.

Thank you,
[Adela Alba]

Waiting for the rest of the shit to hit the fan. If she won't make up her mind on if I'm in or out of the wedding before the end of the month, then I will make up her mind for her by officially withdrawing. The only way to win is to not play the game.

Game over, bitch.

Post Letter Analysis

Since I will not be engaging in any JADE (Thanks Quercus), I thought I'd get it out of my system by dissecting her letter here on my blog.

I was going to write an email back and respond point to point, but after reading it all again I don't feel that it's necessary. [But I'm going to do it anyway for the rest of the letter]

I want to point out just a few things that I felt were an attack on my character which were harsh, unfair, and untrue [See? Just like I said she would!]: I would never say that about [DH]'s degree, especially since [her fiancee] has almost the same degree from the same institution, and I think both of them are extremely intelligent; also as I'm looking to go to that school, I don't think that there is anything wrong with it.[Yeah, now that you're thinking of going there. I hope they don't let you in.

I do not think you are boring and have never called you boring, and I would not share thoughts like that with people who are our mutual friends because that would be rude.  [Really? Because not one, but two people heard you say it.]

I don't know where this rumor about the math started, but I find it extremely offensive.  I have never ever lied about anything like that - my mother taught me to be an honest and trustworthy person and I would never do anything like that, especially not with other people's money.  You guys always entrusted me to work out the bill, and if there was ever an issue it was purely by mistake.  [Really? You still owe us $100, but you claim to have paid it. We decided it was too much trouble to argue with you about it since we were friends and all.]

The fact that you can even think that about me really shows how I was wrong about what you knew about me. [Yeah, you were wrong about what I knew about you. You thought I didn't know any of this shit and never would.]

The fact that all these things you mentioned are what people have said they thought about me, and you don't trust me at all over them - you take their word over mine, shows me how you feel about me as a friend.[Yes, how dare I believe somebody besides you. You, who couldn't even keep the promise you made to me to get your cholesterol checked when you went in for your physical exam. You who in the next lines will be lying through your fucking teeth. Please, tell me why I should trust you again? When you're willing to talk about our friend's weight behind their back to me, why shouldn't I believe you'd talk about me behind my back, too?]

 As for leaving you for an acquaintance, the only time I remember cancelling plans with you was to hang out with my sister when she was dealing with post-partem depression.  [Really? I have messages that state otherwise. Something about how you wouldn't be able to see her on her birthday Saturday so you were going to have lunch with her instead of keeping your plans with me. But I didn't even bring that up, you did. And you completely ignored the documented example I gave you.]

And to comment on my relationship with [her fiancee] seems out of line - everyone has their quirks with their significant other, including you - and I have never made a comment no them because it was not my place.  [Attacking the example, not what it represented. I told her she reacts poorly to criticism, for example she yells her her fiancee when he tries to correct her form when working out. She completely missed the point.]

I didn't realize you had so much built up against me - I had assumed that if you had anything you would talk to me about it. [Yes, I should have talked to her sooner. But that doesn't give her a free pass for her poor behavior. That is my share and I own it.]

 To blame me in this situation for being not easy to talk to is simply you guys passing off any responsibility on to me. [Wasn't blaming you for it, just stating a fact. I was talking to you now about it, quite reasonably too, and look what your responded with.

No one has tried to talk to me since that time a long time ago, and I have changed quite a bit since then. So to blame me being confrontational is simply hiding behind all of you not wanting to come out and say it, but all discuss it among yourselves. [Trying now. You haven't changed much at all, honestly. And yeah, you might want to consider how you being confrontational affects how people treat you.]

I never considered you a back up option, and I assumed you would understand that I had less time as we got older and things were finally going the right way for me. [So things weren't going to right way for you before? What does that say about us then? It isn't about how much time you spend with me or the rest of us, but the way you act and the way you bail on us.]

That's all I have to say.  As you were so negative in your email with all of your "I will not" and "I won't stand for", I'll do the same.  [I was telling you my boundaries. If you can't handle them, that's your problem. Not mine.]

I will not let what happened last time happen this time. [Really? And what happened last time? I recall everything worked out and we all were able to get along again.]

You tell me how I can get back into everyone's good graces? It's your terms or nothing?  There are guidelines and parameters that I have to abide by? [All I told you was to talk to them. I can't imagine how you expect anything to change if you sit around and do nothing. And I only told you what I would and would not tolerate and that I wouldn't be your middle man anymore.]

 I am your best friend, or so I thought, and I thought I was on equal footing.  I didn't know it was your rules or nothing.  I didn't know I didn't get a say. [Equal footing doesn't mean no boundaries. Equal footing means respecting each other's boundaries. Blind loyalty is not equal footing and you clearly expected blind loyalty from me judging by how outraged you are I believed what others said.]

If you feel so indifferent about our friendship that you can say this is how it will be, take it or leave it... then I suppose I thought we were something different than we are.  I will not just go only by your rules, I thought we were equals in this relationship and I thought we both had a say, that there would be compromise - not just me following what you want.  So if it really is your way or the highway, I feel like with that attitude you are pushing me toward the highway. [Sounds more like your way or the highway. I told you we could talk, even get the group together. But you don't seem interested. If your rules our blind loyalty and putting up with your abuse, then please, get on that highway and don't come back.]

I would really not like to end over 20 years of friendship, but if everything you listed in your past email is really how you see me, then we obviously have not been the friends I thought we were all this time. [Sounds to me like you only value the length of time we've been friends. I was honest and authentic in my e-mail to you. If anything, you are not the person I used to think you were. We literally have nothing in common but the past.]

You may feel however you feel.  I still cherish our friendship, and I still love you.  If you feel like you no longer want that, then that is your choice and I accept whatever decision you make. [Thanks for permission. However the choice was yours, despite what you say here, and you've already made it. You already made the choice to end this friendship when you sent this e-mail. And you don't love me, you are confusing love and need. You need me. You need me a hell of a lot more than I need you, and this is gonna hurt you a lot more than it hurts me. I know how insecure you are, and you're losing a rock you've held onto for 20 years now. Let's see how well you swim without me.]

This is the draft of the last letter I intend to ever send her:

Thank you for proving my points for me and for attempting to violate every healthy boundary I have established. I didn't talk to you sooner, and that is my fault. I own that, but it does not excuse your behavior, especially now. My door is always open if you are ever willing to respect my boundaries, to take responsibility for your actions, to own your share in this, and to be honest. In the meantime, please return the spare keys to my apartment, my book [Title], our [cooking object, and if you happen to be the one who still has it, my sister’s book [Title]

Also, [another friend] had given me the book he borrowed from you to return for him on the Friday before last, but I accidentally left it at [FRIEND B]'s. I can retrieve it for you, or if you like, you may contact them directly.

If you no longer wish to involve me in your wedding, I will respect your decision and will not be offended.

Thank you,
[Adela Alba]

That's it, except maybe to arrange the return of my things and her book, that's the last communication I plan on responding to. I expect some rage or backpedaling in the near future when I send my response. Any further response will be met either with silence or a broken record version of this final letter. Right now I am letting her stew in her own juices for a bit and enjoying a swift move from karma. Her car was broken into and trashed by people looking for high end speakers that weren't there. They even cut her seat belt. Can't say I feel sorry for her though.

Laughing and Crying at the Same Time

I've never experienced this before. I've never laughed and cried at the same time. Hey TW, you know how you asked me to think about what I was getting out of responding and continuing this bullshit with Samantha? The knowledge I made my best effort, confirm my suspicions she was a narcissist once and for all, and that there would be no chance of reconciliation.

She gave it to me just a few moments ago. I might add my comments about it later when I can stand to read it again. Here it is for you all:

I was going to write an email back and respond point to point, but after reading it all again I don't feel that it's necessary.  I want to point out just a few things that I felt were an attack on my character which were harsh, unfair, and untrue: I would never say that about [DH]'s degree, especially since [her fiancee] has almost the same degree from the same institution, and I think both of them are extremely intelligent; also as I'm looking to go to that school, I don't think that there is anything wrong with it.  I do not think you are boring and have never called you boring, and I would not share thoughts like that with people who are our mutual friends because that would be rude.  I don't know where this rumor about the math started, but I find it extremely offensive.  I have never ever lied about anything like that - my mother taught me to be an honest and trustworthy person and I would never do anything like that, especially not with other people's money.  You guys always entrusted me to work out the bill, and if there was ever an issue it was purely by mistake.  The fact that you can even think that about me really shows how I was wrong about what you knew about me.  The fact that all these things you mentioned are what people have said they thought about me, and you don't trust me at all over them - you take their word over mine, shows me how you feel about me as a friend.  As for leaving you for an acquaintance, the only time I remember cancelling plans with you was to hang out with my sister when she was dealing with post-partem depression.  And to comment on my relationship with [her fiancee] seems out of line - everyone has their quirks with their significant other, including you - and I have never made a comment no them because it was not my place.  I didn't realize you had so much built up against me - I had assumed that if you had anything you would talk to me about it.  To blame me in this situation for being not easy to talk to is simply you guys passing off any responsibility on to me.  No one has tried to talk to me since that time a long time ago, and I have changed quite a bit since then. So to blame me being confrontational is simply hiding behind all of you not wanting to come out and say it, but all discuss it among yourselves.  I never considered you a back up option, and I assumed you would understand that I had less time as we got older and things were finally going the right way for me.

That's all I have to say.  As you were so negative in your email with all of your "I will not" and "I won't stand for", I'll do the same.  I will not let what happened last time happen this time.  You tell me how I can get back into everyone's good graces? It's your terms or nothing?  There are guidelines and parameters that I have to abide by? I am your best friend, or so I thought, and I thought I was on equal footing.  I didn't know it was your rules or nothing.  I didn't know I didn't get a say.  If you feel so indifferent about our friendship that you can say this is how it will be, take it or leave it... then I suppose I thought we were something different than we are.  I will not just go only by your rules, I thought we were equals in this relationship and I thought we both had a say, that there would be compromise - not just me following what you want.  So if it really is your way or the highway, I feel like with that attitude you are pushing me toward the highway.  I would really not like to end over 20 years of friendship, but if everything you listed in your past email is really how you see me, then we obviously have not been the friends I thought we were all this time.  

You may feel however you feel.  I still cherish our friendship, and I still love you.  If you feel like you no longer want that, then that is your choice and I accept whatever decision you make.

Samantha's E-mail

I will now share and provide my own analysis. I haven't send my response yet, but I will soon. Please, let me know what you think of this little gem! My comments are in bold.

THE LETTER: Subject line is "Hi"

I was pretty upset by what happened yesterday.  Not only was a floored by [FRIEND A]’s attack at me, but I was hurt by your response to me.  I know it’s not about taking sides, but I thought you could be there for me, at least.  I know you were [busy with something very important], but I felt hurt by your response.  You could have just said “Hey, I’m [busy] right now and can’t talk” and I would have understood… but what you said hurt. Really? I don't think you'd understand if I'd just said that. I think you would have complained about how I wasn't there for you! How could I be so curt and brief with you? For the record, in my response I basically agreed with Friend A's interpretation of events, said I was busy with something unquestionably important, and that I wouldn't be taking sides.

I’m not saying that I’m perfect and have no wrong doing ever [Which totally absolves me of any and all guilt in this], but I don’t think I was wrong in this situation.  And I feel that… whenever you come to me with problems or arguments about those friends, or your family, or anybody. I don’t tell you that I think you’re wrong, or side with them – I say I understand and commiserate with you.  So when I’m supremely upset about something one of our friends say to me [Apparently you missed the memo, Friend A hasn't been your friend for a long time], and I go to you and you agree with them? Yeah, I’m pretty hurt.  Especially when it’s over something so petty and insignificant [She has no clue what any of this is really about].  I feel like I’ve always been agreeable when it comes to your problems, even if I don’t always necessarily agree with you or think your response is silly (just as you said you thought what I did was “silly”), but I feel like that’s not my place and that’s not what you need – you need someone to be on your side, and say “Yeah, that sucks!” – which is what I do [No, I would rather have a friend who would be honest with me. Clearly we have different ideas of what a good friend is.].  So, to have you not do that made me feel pretty betrayed.  I thought we were there for each other in support whenever we needed it, regardless of the other things going on. [Regardless of if you have something incredibly important to do that can't wait. See why I think she'd complain if I had just said what she claims I could have?]  It really stung.

As for what actually happened, I am honestly shocked that it came to that with [FRIEND A].  No one has said a single thing to me about anything, except for now when someone blows up at me on a public forum – you can understand why I’m slightly perturbed at that.  I don’t think it’s fair to me.  As I said, everyone has a certain topic that they talk about often, I don’t think it’s fair to attack me for mine.  In no case have I ever insulted anyone or not come because of food [Really? You insulted Friend A when she was eating red velvet cake. And my sister.].  I’ve asked to make sure it’s okay if I bring my own food.  I bring my own sweetener so as not to cause issue.  It is my way of life that I choose and it affects nobody, so I really think that’s unfair.  So I made a joke about it? [It was a joke, it's all your guys' fault for overeacting! I am absolved any and all guilt! She really doesn't understand that this isn't about her diet.] Everyone in that group has some topic that they continually mention or joke about, why can’t I? It wasn’t at the expense of anyone. 

If I have done something that’s harmful to someone, I’d rather people just tell me [Because she reacts to criticism SO well.]. This is not the first time something like this has happened to me from this group, and I have a terrible feeling it won’t be the last.  If someone has an issue with me, say it. Don’t blow up at me over something so ridiculous, especially in front of other friends of ours. I know you didn’t do this, but I’m just explaining my frustration with it [I am trying to justify my behavior to you so you will take my side].  Also, I’ve seen [FRIEND A] maybe twice since her wedding… so I don’t even understand where she can be getting this information about what I talk about so much, unless other people are talking about how I annoy them behind my back, which I also find extremely frustrating.  I don’t particularly want to be back in Jr. High and the star of all the girl gossip. It doesn’t make me feel good.[Yes, people are talking about. Because they can't talk to you. Oh, and you were the star of the gossip, huh? It was a pretty big school, I don't recall anything traveling behind much beyond your own clique.]

I know I haven’t been around as much as I used to, and I don’t know if that’s an issue that bothers people.  I’m sorry. I really am sorry that I can’t be around like I was before.  I literally do not even know how to find the time.  I’ve already left behind multiple friends who I didn’t feel were worth the time after Aric and I started dating and merged our friend groups and families, there has just been so much going on that I just can not make it around as much – trust in the fact that I see your group more often than I see any other group of friends, excluding maybe my own family. I don’t even get down time to just relax at home anymore. I’m not complaining, I like my life now – I’m just explaining how things have changed.[Clearly, we should feel privileged she makes any time for us at all! That she hasn't dropped us! Poor her, always so busy! If she sees us more than anyone else, I can't begin to imagine how little she sees her other friends. Poor baby has no time to relax, but oh she isn't complaining! She loves all the fucking attention.]

As I said earlier, I’m not perfect and I know I’m not always the easiest person – but I don’t think that means I deserve whatever it is that’s happening. [I admit I am flawed, that absolves me of all guilt.] I’ve been a good friend with everyone for a long time [Really? Nobody else thinks so. Friend B described you once as a "friend of a friend" and Friend A has only tolerated you all these years for my sake.], and I’d appreciate it if people would treat me as such and just talk to me privately if there is an issue [They must come to me, even now that I know there is an issue, I will not bring it to them. They are responsible I am never responsible!]. I feel like things here just build up so much and then I get lashed out at, and how am I supposed to know there’s even an issue if everyone just talks amongst themselves about it but not with me?

That’s about it.  I just wanted to get out how I was feeling.  I’m glad you think you did well on your [what I was busy with].  You know I love you, and you’re very important to me… and I never write these kinds of emails, but it’s just been eating at me and I wanted to.

THE END! So... Your thoughts, my fellow bloggers? If you'd all like I can post my revised response.

The Letter I'm Not Sending. YET.

After an explosion on facebook when Samantha was finally called out for her BS by a person I will call Friend A for now, she immediately messaged me on facebook. I explained that I would not be taking sides. She didn't seem to like that and went on about how things aren't fair, blah blah blah. You can get the gist of what she said to me from the letter I just wrote. I'm not sending yet, but if she pushes me about this situation I will be giving her a copy for sure.

Dear Samantha,

I’ve taken a lot of time and put a lot of thought into how I would like to respond. I never said I was offended, and as far as I am aware, no one else has ever said they were offended by you following a diet. You seem to assume [FRIEND A] speaks for the whole group, and that is a faulty assumption. I don’t believe anyone is offended, only that they don’t need/want to hear about it every time we make dinner plans. We all know about what you can and can’t eat. I’m sure we all assume if we aren’t making something you can eat, or if a place we are going doesn’t have something you can eat, that you can and will do your own thing or find something else on the menu that you can have. Just like my sister doesn’t say “I hate [food]” every time we make [food]. She just asks if we need her to bring anything and brings her own food with her. We all know she doesn’t like [food] and we all know she will take care of herself. There is no need to bring it up again and again.

Life is unfortunately not fair. The things everyone else “incessantly” talks about are things they have in common with each other. However, just because you don’t share that interest doesn’t make it unfair that others talk about it. These things are also constantly evolving. Your diet is not; the rules of your diet do not change, the only noteworthy development is probably changes in your weight, which you are free to mention and will likely be congratulated on, even if most of us feel your diet is an unhealthy means to obtain it. [Series of topics my friends and I regularly discuss] and so on, are always developing and evolving and at least one person in those conversations shares interest in the topic. [FRIEND B] and I were interested the other [weekday] in hearing about your wedding plans and we listened to you speak of them at length. Including when you so rudely demanded [FRIEND B] not go to [vacation] when you didn’t even have your wedding date confirmed with the venue. Not to mention your tactless talk of money in front of would be wedding guests. It’s one thing to talk about it in front me, a member of your bridal party that way, but it is uncouth to be demanding money in front of the people you intend to invite. Maybe you have forgotten to the story of [FRIEND B]’s cousin’s bridal shower, who specified in the invite “In lieu of gifts and money tree will be provided” and how [FRIEND B] sent them a gift with a tag that read, “In lieu of a money tree, a gift has been provided.”

What it boils down to is no one besides [her fiancee] seems to share interest in your extreme diet anymore; you have told most of us all we need to or care to know. You are free to like it all you want, but no one is obligated to want to listen. There are, I think, no interested listeners left in “this group.” I also don’t believe you’ve been asked about it as much as you seem to think you have been. For example, nobody asked you about your diet when [insert example of her bringing it up without being asked]. Yet you felt the need to tell [person] about your fasting and to tell [person] how if you can do it, [person] can. I found that quite condescending, by the way.

[FRIEND A] certainly could have handled it better, but what’s done is done. I do not condone her actions but I understand where she is coming from. She has apologized to [DH] and me for bringing this all out on his [facebook event page] and she understands that I will not be taking sides in this. That’s all I really need from her regarding the situation at this time.

I don’t personally see a pattern of “this group” exploding at you, nor do I care to pick apart it’s [many, many years] of history to try and establish such a pattern. However, if that is how you perceive “this group,” then perhaps you do not belong in it. You said yourself you have “too many friends.” It is okay to grow apart.

I’m sorry I cannot take your side, but my perception of the situation is not the same as yours, nor is it by job to fix things for you, which I can’t help but feel you are indirectly asking me to do with your previous messages. It is not my job to fix things for anyone else either; despite the previous requests of some for me to step in and speak to you about your increasingly irritating behavior, well before this outburst from [FRIEND A]. If you or they wish address this and your relationships, it must be done without me as a mediator or intermediary. The only advice I have is that you take a long hard look in the mirror and reflect on your own actions as of late before you go pointing your finger at all my other friends again.

 

If you would simply like to talk about how you feel or would like my perspective, I am ready and willing. However, I have firm boundaries. I will not sit and argue details about who is right or wrong, I will not take sides, I will not tolerate nitpicking over examples I give, I will not allow you to dismiss the experiences of myself or others just because you do not agree with them, and I will not stand for you to disparage “this group” in front of me.

If, after reading all this, you no longer wish to involve me in your wedding, I will respect your decision and will not be offended. On such a special day, you want your closest friends with you, and if you no longer feel I met that criteria I understand.

Sincerely,
Adela